The Adventures of Riku and Sora
by Blue Dragon X
Summary: Sora's father went missing, Sephiroth went crazy, and a small group of kids keeps Destiny Islands together. Hilarity ensues.. My satirization of the old humor.
1. Dinner at Sora's

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
I  
  
This fic is a sequel to Crowned Hearts. If you haven't read it, read it, 'cause if not you won't understand who Lisa is and why Sora and Riku are suddenly back to a restored Destiny Islands. (Just search under the name of 'Blue Dragon' in the 'Find' menu of ) Other than that, this fic is for my amusement and your enjoyment, and will chronicle different little adventures that follow. . . well, Riku and Sora. who saw that coming?  
  
Riku sped down the street of Destiny Islands District 3 to get to Sora's house. Sora's parents were having him over for dinner and he wanted to get there in style, which was why he was driving his new bright red moped. Sure he wasn't legally allowed to drive on paved streets, but hey! He had finished homework early and as he rode down the street found Sora, still walking home.  
  
Riku screeched to a stop to greet his friend.  
  
"Sora, what's up? Why are you just getting home?"  
  
"Some goof gave the principal a wedgie and blamed it on me. He wanted me to write "I am a hoodlum" on the blackboard sixty-six times!"  
  
"Did you do it?"  
  
"No, I wrote 'The principal is a pimp' eighty times."  
  
"Don't you think that's a little harsh?"  
  
Sora shrugged.  
  
"Not when I left Billy Erickson's signature at the bottom of the board."  
  
"Ah. Well, hop on, I'll give you a ride." Riku offered, handing Sora a helmet.  
  
Sora got on behind Riku and Riku sped off.  
  
After a while when they were a few blocks from Sora's house, he began to get worried.  
  
"Riku, do you have a license to drive on public roads?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
"Ahh! That's illegal!"  
  
"Come on, no one ever gets in trouble for it!" he said over the engine.  
  
A siren started ringing behind them and a police car began driving up behind the moped.  
  
"You are not a registered driver, pull over immediately!" the cop said over a megaphone.  
  
"Damn, it's the cops, I gotta cheese it!" said Riku, speeding up and turning hard, right into a blockade of cop cars.  
  
"Come on, Sora! Hoof it!" he yelled, throwing off his helmet and leaping off of the vehicle with Sora close behind. The police pursued them, for some reason not shooting. Eventually, the two turned a sharp corner into a backyard, jumped the fence, and went through Sora's back door, closing it behind them.  
  
"Well, I'd say we got us home without too much trouble."  
  
Sora glared at him.  
  
"Next time you want to commit a felony, leave me out of it."  
  
"Yeah yeah. Where're your parents? I've seen 'em but I haven't really met 'em"  
  
"My dad should be in the living room, meditating."  
  
" . . . Sora, why is your dad meditating?"  
  
" . . . It focuses his eating."  
  
" . . . Meaning . . . ?"  
  
"Toady's husky-pork night, and he has to focus his eating, he says."  
  
Riku gave Sora a funny look.  
  
"Husky-what?"  
  
"Husky pork is supposed to be this meat from some famous industry that's a mixture of pork and . . . other things."  
  
"What other things?"  
  
"Other things that the industry is so determined to keep secret that they would send the Men in Black to snatch anyone that knew about it or told about it."  
  
Riku looked to the window and saw a man in sunglasses quickly duck away.  
  
" . . . Lets go to your living room."  
  
Riku followed Sora through the doorless doorway from the den and across the hallway into his living room, where, as Sora said, Mr. Sion Barzhad was meditating and chanting weird phrases.  
  
"Is that his meditation?" Riku asked, sitting down on the sofa.  
  
"That's what he claims" Sora responded, plopping down next to him.  
  
"Cranky, cranky, I need cheese!" Mr. Barzhad yelled without opening his eyes.  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . Sora, I'm scared."  
  
"Join the club."  
  
"There's a chocobo in my soup!" Mr. Barzhad yelled again, ignoring the frightened youths.  
  
"How many licks does it take to get to the center of . . . a husky-pork loaf! Husky-pork, is it in you? Husky-pork . . . Harmless!? If they don't taste like apples, why do they call them husky-pork!? You drink, you drive, you husky-pork! Live in your world, husky-pork in ours!"  
  
The two youths were now thoroughly frightened and were slowly edging their way to the door.  
  
Mr. Barzhad stood up and straightened his hair and tie.  
  
"Oh, hello Riku! Sora has told me so much about you, so good of you to come!" he said.  
  
"Uh, hello Mr. Barzhad . . . " Riku said nervously.  
  
"Dad, do you HAVE to do that when we have public?"  
  
" . . . Especially when we have public. It keeps the monkey-demons away."  
  
Sora groaned as Riku made his way into the kitchen.  
  
"Daaaad! Don't you think you're being a little superstitious?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You line your underwear with fruit and small mammals!"  
  
"Do NOT mock my ancestral tradition!!" he screamed, stuffing the weasel back into his pants.  
  
"Never mind. I'm going to make sure mom and Uncle D. aren't scaring Riku."  
  
As Mr. Barzhad adjusted his pants Sora went into the kitchen to find that his mother was almost finished cooking and that Riku and his uncle were already seated.  
  
"Hey Riku. Sorry about my dad." Sora said, taking a seat at the table next to Riku.  
  
"Its okay. Is this your uncle."  
  
"Yes." Dauragon spoke up.  
  
"I'm his Uncle Dauragon, but you can just call me Uncle D.! A friend of Sora is a friend of mine." He said, extending a hand. Riku shook it, noticing that Dauragon had a slight English accent, which was strange because he looked like he was a Destiny Islands native with his long blonde hair.  
  
"Pleased to meet you, Uncle D." Riku said with an uncharacteristically friendly smile.  
  
Mr. Barzhad wandered in still straightening his pants.  
  
"Oh no . . . " Sora slapped his head and turned to Riku.  
  
"My uncle is my mom's brother, and since he and my dad are in-laws, they kinda . . . "  
  
"Hate each others' guts?"  
  
"That's the phrase. Ignore 'em if they fight, okay?"  
  
"Okay . . . ?" Riku became a little nervous.  
  
Dauragon gave a smile that was more of a mockery than a gesture of friendship or happiness to Mr. Barzhad.  
  
"Well, bro-in-law. Still keeping weasels in your pants?"  
  
"So what if I am, pansy-man? Are you going to do something about it?"  
  
"I'll yank that ridiculous crop of hair right off your head."  
  
"I'd like to see that . . . especially when I know that you couldn't yank a pig from a bacon convention!"  
  
Dauragon went into deep thought.  
  
"But those are easy to separate . . . hey! No wonder you didn't get a date till you were twenty-one!"  
  
Mr. Barzhad looked embarrassed.  
  
"Probably for the same reason that you've never gotten a date at all!" He retorted.  
  
"Not like such things to should matter to a loveless man like yourself . . . " Dauragon muttered as Mr. Barzhad sat down.  
  
"Loveless, well let me remind you . . . "  
  
It was at that moment that Mrs. Barzhad (Originally the blonde-haired Dominique Cross) turned around.  
  
"Honey, please don't provoke him." She said, putting the food on the table, including a gigantic loaf of the infamous husky-pork.  
  
"I have your SISTER to keep me warm at night!" Mr. Barzhad exclaimed, despite is wife's warnings.  
  
With that, Dauragon stood up and tackled Mr. Barzhad to the ground while Mrs. Barzhad struggled to break up the fight.  
  
Riku blinked at the scene and looked over at Sora who seemed thoroughly embarrassed.  
  
"Geez, Sora, they DO fight a lot."  
  
"I'm sorry about this Riku, I tried to tell them not to do this when we were in public, or any other time for that matter."  
  
When Mrs. Barzhad managed to get the two men off of the ground, they angrily went back to their seats.  
  
"Alright everyone, lets eat!" Mrs. Barzhad said, pushing the large loaf of brownish husky-pork into the middle of the table.  
  
"YES!" Dauragon and Mr. Barzhad exclaimed at the same time, grabbing the two biggest chunks from the loaf and diving into it. Mrs. Barzhad took the smallest piece, and Riku and Sora took two medium pieces. Mr. Barzhad violently jumped on the table and at the husky pork like a wild animal, tearing it apart while flinging saliva and tiny pieces of meat everywhere.  
  
"You might want to put this on." Sora told Riku, handing him a helmet.  
  
Riku took the advice. Mrs. Cross had seen how violently her husband ate, and handed him her loaf, which he downed without so much as a thank-you. Soon, he crawled around the table and snatched the rest of Dauragon's, Sora's, and Riku's who weren't paying attention. Sion roared into the sky and jumped out of the window screaming:  
  
"More husky-pork! More husky-pork!"  
  
The remaining people were surprised and frightened.  
  
"W-we have to find my father!" Exclaimed Sora.  
  
Mrs. Barzhad started to cry.  
  
"M-my honey bunny is gone! How will I ever get along!? Oh boys, please find him!"  
  
It was getting dark outside.  
  
Riku snapped out of a trance and looked around the destroyed table and the broken window.  
  
"That idiot probably got arrested for disturbing the peace." Dauragon muttered. He saw his sister and comforted.  
  
"There there. Forget that monkey, you have your good-old brother! Let him get sent to some correctional facility and rot in prison!"  
  
Mrs. Barzhad cried harder.  
  
Dauragon looked at Sora and Riku.  
  
"Boys, find Mr. Barzhad. For your mother's sake, please Sora!"  
  
Riku and Sora stood up.  
  
"I will uncle!"  
  
"I'll help him." Riku volunteered.  
  
"Good, cause I wasn't gonna give you a choice." Dauragon said, putting his gun on the table.  
  
The boys slowly backed away, and then ran out of the house. When they were a good two blocks, Sora looked up at the night sky.  
  
"Riku, dad usually likes the great outdoors, in this case, the forest. How about we just go there? We can camp out."  
  
"Sora, you know that we need two more people to be allowed past the gates since we aren't seventeen yet. We need to get two other people, and maybe get your camping gear from Kairi's house . . . wait a minute, why was it there, anyway?"  
  
Sora whistled innocently.  
  
"Anyway, I don't want to spend to much time, Riku. How about we get Lisa, Kairi, and the camping gear in one trip? Lisa's spending the night with Kairi, so we can get two more people and everything we need!"  
  
"Good idea, Sora, lets do it!"  
  
The two boys headed off to Kairi's to start a camping expedition. The dinner at Sora's had been a completely unexpected experience for Riku.  
  



	2. The Forest Hunt

The Adventures of Riku and Sora   
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
  
II  
  
Riku and Sora trekked to Kairi's house under the night sky. Word about Mr. Barzhad going nuts had apparently spread pretty fast and they were already starting to hear rumors from "late-night" people.  
  
The two turned the corner that led down to Kairi's house and groaned as they heard one man whisper to another:  
  
"I hear Mr. Barzhad turned into a wolf man, and Dauragon sent a shrew and a retarded fox to find him!"  
  
"These rumors are starting to get on my nerves." Riku mumbled.  
  
After a few more minutes of walking the two found themselves in front of Kairi's house, and walked up the walkway to the door where Sora knocked twice. About seven seconds later Kairi opened the door and looked surprised.  
  
"Sora! What are you doing here? I wish you would've called first!"  
  
"Nice to see you, too." Sora responded, sounding hurt.  
  
"What's up?" she asked, ignoring Riku as well as Sora's pain.  
  
"My dad ran off into the woods and we need to find him. It might take a while so I came here to get my camping gear and maybe get you and Lisa to help us out."  
  
"Why do you need a couple of girls?"  
  
"If you're under a certain age then you aren't allowed in without at least four people over the age of twelve." Riku explained.  
  
Kairi sighed.  
  
"Lisa and I were enjoying ourselves but . . . wait a minute, did your dad go crazy over husky-pork again?"  
  
"What does it matter?" Sora asked hurriedly.  
  
"I'll take that as a 'yes'! You'll need all the help you can get, Sora!"  
  
Riku laughed and Sora groaned in annoyance. He had always been a little annoyed by everyone's wisecracks about his crazy dad.  
  
"Mind if I make a wisecrack about your crazy dad?" Riku asked half-jokingly.  
  
" . . . Riku, don't start. And by the way, you need to call your dad" he said, handing him his cellular phone.  
  
Riku dialed his number, 666-6666 (area code 666) and Sephiroth answered immediately.  
  
"You have reached the residence of Sephiroth Osterot. I have my Masamune ready for use at all times, this line can be and is being tracked, I have a meteor ready to smash this world to pieces, I will not negotiate with kidnappers, and any businessmen should hang up immediately . . . or else."  
  
"Dad, its me."  
  
"Oh, hello Riku! Back from Sora's so early?"  
  
"Dad, I have to-"  
  
"Don't say a word son. Your mother and I have some . . . things to do. We need you to sleep over. Understood?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Good!"  
  
Sephiroth hung up.  
  
Riku sighed at his crazy father, knowing full well what his parents wanted to do, as they did it every night.  
  
Sora smiled mockingly at Riku, knowing full well how crazy his father was, and Riku glared back.  
  
Kairi came back almost immediately after Riku gave Sora back his phone with four sets of camping gear, and Lisa.  
  
"Hello again, Kairi." Sora said.  
  
"And hi . . . "  
  
He decided not to greet Lisa just yet, Riku was hugging her mercilessly to the point that she could barely get air out of her lungs and back in.  
  
"I'm . . . glad to see you too Riku" she said in a pained voice.  
  
" . . . Think you could let go of me?"  
  
"Lisa . . . I missed you so much! It's been an eternity!"  
  
"You saw me a few hours ago!" she said, trying to pry him off.  
  
"And you still smell like . . . " he sniffed her hair.  
  
"Strawberry-Paupu fruit shampoo, reapplied approximately one hour, thirty-eight minutes and fourteen point four nine seven seconds ago, a lovely orange-lemon citrus combo for perfume, and . . . "  
  
He kissed her softly on the lips while she seemed surprised.  
  
"Avon's Kiwi lip gloss! They make your lips so soft!"  
  
He hugged/deathgripped her even longer as she managed to cough out:  
  
"I'm glad to see you too, but I think the situation may arise that you can never see me again . . . ""  
  
"What! Tell me!"  
  
"If you keep SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF ME!"  
  
Riku took the message and let go, toeing the steps with his shoe.  
  
"I understand. If it will make you happy, I'll stay far away from you! As long as you are satisfied."  
  
"No, that's not what I meant, she tried to console."  
  
Sora shook his head in disbelief.  
  
"I can't believe that a guy that was hard as steel has fallen for a girl he's ignored for years! What's up, Riku?"  
  
"After being in darkness, one appreciates the light . . . " Riku said, quickly loosing his poetic tone, never taking his eyes from Lisa's.  
  
Everyone paused.  
  
"That's deep, man" said Sora, finally.  
  
Kairi and Lisa came with Sora and Riku, Riku of course holding on to Lisa the whole way.  
  
Soon they approached the forest, where the paved roads ended and the streetlights became few and far between, making everything eerily dark. The group became disturbed when they found out that the boot for entrance had been destroyed, and the guard was nowhere in sight.  
  
Lisa gulped.  
  
"This doesn't look good . . . you know how crazy Mr. Barzhad can be, I'm scared." Lisa moaned.  
  
Sora growled.  
  
"Stop ripping on my dad!"  
  
"Don't worry, everyone! I'll protect you all from everything and anything that pops up!" Riku said heroically.  
  
A twig snapped.  
  
"Holy crap, Mr. Barzhad'll kill us ALL! LET'S GET THE FUDGE OUTTA HERE!" Riku screamed like a girl and Sora had to hold on to him.  
  
"We're gonna set up camp an look for my dad!" Sora said firmly.  
  
Riku whimpered and the four made their way into the forest. It was dark and they had to use their flashlights to navigate through the labyrinth of trees and into a clearing  
  
"This looks like a good place." Kairi said, setting up two tents with the help of the others.  
  
Sora gathered wood in the middle, surrounded it with rocks, and then used his match to set it aflame. Riku tossed two sleeping bags in each tent, and his backpack into one of the tents.  
  
Lisa and Kairi gathered four big rocks and set them around the campfire as they began to discuss the plan.  
  
"What are we going to do?" asked Riku.  
  
"We're going to split up into groups of four . . . "  
  
"Four!?" screamed Riku.  
  
"Four divided by four is one, Sora! I don't wanna be alone!"  
  
"Come on, Riku! You bench press, don't you!?"  
  
"Yeah, 96 pounds!"  
  
Everyone looked at Riku suspiciously.  
  
"I only can do seventy, no way you can do ninety-six!" accused Sora.  
  
"I did, too! I even have blisters from rotating the weights!"  
  
" . . . Riku, why did you rotate the weights?" Lisa asked.  
  
" . . . to turn them a bit before lifting."  
  
"How much is 'a bit'?"  
  
"Upside down . . . ?"  
  
"Riku! You read the weights upside down!?"  
  
" . . . I won't tell if you won't"  
  
Everyone sighed.  
  
"Geez, Riku, you're really turning into a wimp." Kairi muttered.  
  
"Anyway" Sora continued.  
  
"We're going to go north, south, east, and west, and meet back here every twelve minutes. If you see my dad, scream. But ignore Riku, if he screams, it probably won't be my dad."  
  
"What other things could it be!?" Riku demanded.  
  
"Squirrels, birds, your own shadow to name a few?"  
  
Riku growled.  
  
"Anyway, we'll go on four rounds and then call it a day. You guys all have your flashlights?"  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
"Okay, move out!" Sora commanded.  
  
Riku shakily went his way, moving slowly and shining the flashlight virtually everywhere. He didn't hear or see a thing, and he hoped that that was how it was to remain. Suddenly, his flashlight went out and it was completely dark. He whimpered to himself.  
  
"I-If anyone's out there I know kung-fu!"  
  
There was a rustle and a snap.  
  
"I can poke eyes out faster than Barney can smoke pot! And that's pretty darn fast!"  
  
There was a rustle very close by, but Riku couldn't tell where it was coming from.  
  
"I-I mean it! I'm more hazardous than an electric toaster at Sea World!"  
  
Riku spotted a pair of red eyes, and was immobilized with fear. He tried to scream but could only let out pitifully whimper.  
  
Riku looked in horror as the figure stepped out from the bush, only to reveal . . . MR. BARZHAD WITH HIS HEAD HELD HIGH, ROARING FOR RIKU'S BLOOD!  
  
"Ah . . . ah . . . " Riku's eyes were wide, and he couldn't scream.  
  
"Hi, Mr. Barzhad, isn't it time to go home now? Heh heh?"  
  
Mr. Barzhad saw Riku, and he went under the delusion that he was a talking loaf of husky-pork with silver hair.  
  
"HUSKY-PORK!" Mr. Barzhad roared, attempting to jump on Riku.  
  
"AAAAAAIEEEEEEE!" Riku finally screamed with all his might and ran blindly back to the campsite, Mr. Barzhad roaring behind him. He found Sora, Lisa, and Kairi in the middle, eyes wide when they saw him running.  
  
"Up the tree!" Kairi yelled. Everyone but Riku made it up the tree.  
  
Riku felt Mr. Barzhad getting closer as he ran and did the one thing that he could do. Turned around and kicked him in the groin as hard as he could.  
  
"RRROOOAAAR!" Mr. Barzhad fell to the ground clutching his aching groin.  
  
The other three dropped down.  
  
"I beat him!" yelled Riku, pumping his fists up and down.  
  
"I'll say, you kicked my dad in the nuts!" yelled Sora in anger.  
  
"He was trying to eat me! He probably though I was husky-pork!"  
  
Lisa cam a bit closer to the moaning Barzhad and the man abruptly stood up, growled, and disappeared into the night.  
  
"Crap, he's gone!" yelled Sora.  
  
"No use spending the night, lets call it a day!" Riku said nervously.  
  
"For once, I'm with Riku. When you're dad realizes that there isn't any husky-pork in the wild, he'll come back home" Kairi said.  
  
Sora groaned.  
  
" I guess . . . you're right. Lets just go home, for now."  
  
"I'm sure you'll find you're father in a few days, Sora. Lets just pack up." Lisa said as she put out the fire and began folding the tents.  
  
Riku was happy to sleep indoors that day, even if it was on the floor next to Sora's bed. For the first time in a while, he might enjoy going to school on Saturday. Little did he know that Mr. Barzhad's craziness was just the beginning of his problems. He had a lot of trouble ahead of him . . .   
  
AN: Well, my hard drive was deleted and I had to type this chapter all over again . . . and I couldn't put it in for a while because fanfiction.net was down, but oh well! In the next one, Sora, Riku, Kairi, Lulu, and Tidus are stuck in school through the night. (Lisa, Wakka, and Selphie don't go to the school. You haven't been eating your cheese, have you? I warned you! 


	3. Trapped at School

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
  
III  
  
Sora got up from the chair after he finished breakfast and took his backpack from the corner and put his empty glass in the sink.   
  
"Mom, I'm going to school." He said.  
  
Mrs. Barzhad was still staring at the empty seat where Mr. Barzhad used to reside.  
  
"Its just not the same without your father!" she burst into tears.  
  
"I miss him eating all of my food! Messing the house up for me to clean! And telling me he loved me!"  
  
Dauragon looked up from the newspaper that Mr. Barzhad had usually been hogging.  
  
"Sister, you're better off without him. He ate messily, hogged the paper, left the toilet seat up, and watched T. V. nonstop!"  
  
"He's still my sticky-bun!" she sobbed, holding the stove for moral support.  
  
"I don't know what you see in that man! He walked around in the NEUD!"  
  
"Now that I can explain!"  
  
The comment earned her weird looks from Dauragon and Sora.  
  
"I think I'll just be going. By mom, by Uncle D.!"  
  
The paid no attention as Sora left. Sora walked across the street and waited in front of Riku's house waiting for him.  
  
He saw his father behind him as Riku walked out, hugging his Masamune and crying.  
  
"My little boy is going to elementary for the first time!"  
  
"Dad, I'm a freshman!"  
  
"Don't ruin the moment!" he suddenly said, sternly.  
  
Riku sighed and walked away and to the sidewalk.  
  
"My dad gets on my nerves, sometimes. I wish he'd stop treating me like a kid!"  
  
"Riku, you are a kid."  
  
"You know what I mean" he said as the two turned right down the sidewalk to DIHS (Destiny Islands High School).  
  
"Oh! Did your dad come crawling back yet?" Riku asked Sora.  
  
Sora sighed.  
  
"Heck no! I hear that 'a crazy man in tights' robbed husky-pork stores. I want to know why dad's going so crazy!"  
  
"Yeah? Well I want to know where the heck he got tights."  
  
Sora gave him a look.  
  
Before they could continue Tidus joined them.  
  
"Wassup, guys?" he asked, trailing behind them.  
  
"Yo, Tidus. You win the blitzball game?" asked Riku.  
  
"Some crazy guy smashed the husky-pork stand and the game was cancelled on account of insanity."  
  
"Tidus, you're really pushing it" Sora growled.  
  
"What!? Oh, it was Mr. Barzhad, wasn't it. That poor, diluted man. He didn't run off again, did he?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"I swear, Sora, you need to keep that guy on a leash!"  
  
"Can we PLEASE talk about something else?"  
  
"Fine . . . Hey, it's the new semester. Riku, Sora, you gonna be in drama class."  
  
"You know it!" Riku said.  
  
"Yep" Sora responded.  
  
"Wakka told me his old drama teacher is transferring to our school, and she's a babe!"  
  
"Not interested" Sora and Riku said at the same time.  
  
"Come on! At least tell me if you agree when you see her. I hear that three students were suspended for asking her out, and one student got expelled for hitting on her!"  
  
"Why would I be interested in a grown woman?" Sora asked.  
  
"Why WOULDN'T you be interested in a grown woman?"  
  
Sora and Riku stopped and stared at Tidus.  
  
"Tidus, you're a sick, sick puppy." Sora said before walking again.  
  
"I hear she's only nineteen, come on!" Tidus said.  
  
Suddenly, a large boy with dark hair and the clothes of a thug jumped out of the bushes.  
  
Riku looked him up and down.  
  
"Who the crap are you?"  
  
"Nunya biznessness!"  
  
Sora and Riku looked at each other and held up their hands.  
  
"Businessness . . . ?" They pretended to ask each other.  
  
"That new teacher is MINE!" he yelled.  
  
"And if I catch you lookin' at her, you're both in for a bruisin'!"  
  
Riku and Sora tried not to laugh.  
  
"You're cruising for a bruisin'!"  
  
Riku and Sora stifled a laugh.  
  
"You're applyin' for a cryin'!"  
  
Riku and Sora laughed out loud.  
  
"That was just funny!" Riku said through laughter.  
  
"You're beggin' for a de-leggin'"  
  
Riku and Sora stopped.  
  
"Now you just made that up." Sora pointed out.  
  
"Hey! It's Bernie!" Tidus finally piped up.  
  
" . . . "  
  
The bully Bernie was quiet.  
  
"You still in the ninth grade? How many times have you been held back, two, three?"  
  
"I'm only eighteen!"  
  
Tidus smiled, not even knowing he was insulting Bernie.  
  
"You were held back four times! Hey, can you add yet? What's two plus two?"  
  
"Uh . . . Five?"  
  
"What comes after 'A' in the alphabet."  
  
"Thirty-one?"  
  
"Who was the first president of the U. S.?"  
  
"Uh . . . False?"  
  
Tidus, Sora, and Riku fell on their backs laughing so hard that they were crying their eyes out, and Bernie ran off crying.  
  
Riku tried to talk.  
  
"Tidus you . . . hah hah! . . . know . . . hah hah! . . . that guy . . . hahahahahah SO FUNNY!"  
  
Tidus regained his composition.  
  
"Yeah, his name is Bernie. He went to middle school with me. Don't mind him."  
  
Sora and Riku stood back up.  
  
"Lets just get to school before we're late" Sora said, walking on with Riku and Tidus following.  
  
In a few minutes, the three arrived at DIHS and the clock indicated that they only had three minutes to get to their lockers.  
  
"Geez! My locker is on the other side of the school from here! I guess I'll have to run . . . " Tidus said eagerly.  
  
Sora and Riku immediately went past the office and down the hall to their own lockers, for they didn't want to be anywhere near Tidus when the trouble started.  
  
Tidus began to speed down the hallway, pushing people that weren't even in his way just for fun, knocking down security guards and almost colliding with the principle.   
  
***  
  
One minute later, Sora, Tidus, and Riku made it into first period drama class with only one minute and sixty seconds to spare! After the bell rang, a woman that was indeed good-looking walked into the room.  
  
She was . . . Mrs. Rikku Osterot!? She, of course, was and Al Bhed from a neighboring island and the mother of none other than Riku Osterot.  
  
Riku and Sora's jaw's dropped open.   
  
"Whoa! She IS hot! Tidus whispered a little too loudly."  
  
Riku slapped Tidus hard on the back of the head from his desk.  
  
"That's my MOTHER you're talking about!" Riku whispered just as loud.  
  
"She's still hot!"  
  
"Riku, your mother's nineteen!?" Sora asked a little too loud.  
  
Everyone heard and scooted their seats away from Riku.  
  
"I don't know who said my mother was that old, but she's thirty-five, thank you very much!" Riku basically screamed.  
  
Everyone scooted their seats even further away.  
  
"Mr. Osterot, do you have something you would like to tell the class?" Mrs. Osterot asked.   
  
"As a matter 'o fact, I do!" Riku ran to the front of the class on to Mrs. Osterot's surprise, stood on top of the desk.  
  
"Everyone, that's my mother! If I hear one comment about her I'll beat down every last one of you!!"  
  
"Young man . . . "  
  
Mrs. Osterot looked down at the list to find the name of Riku.  
  
"Riku Osterot, is that your name? Get off of my table."  
  
Everyone laughed.  
  
"Mom! You don't remember your own son's name!?"  
  
" . . . I only have one son named Riku, and he's in elementary!"  
  
Riku slammed his forehead.  
  
"Mom! Its ME! I'M your son Riku! And I'M A FRESHMAN FOR PETE'S SAKE!"  
  
"Oh . . . Riku honey! I didn't know you were out of elementary!"  
  
Everyone laughed aloud, and tears welled up in Riku's eyes.  
  
"Why don't my parents know me anymore!?" He jumped off of the desk and ran out of the room in tears.  
  
Everyone was quiet. The intercom came on and the principal's voice rang out.  
  
"Students of Destiny Islands High School, for no apparent reason, I've decided to cancel school. That is all."  
  
Everyone was still for about eight seconds, and then there was a burst of commotion as people started running out of their rooms yelling:  
  
"NO school! We're out of school! Three-day weekend! Hooray!"  
  
Kids were leaping out of windows, running through walls, and tearing down doors, etc. The youngsters of DIHS were desperate to get out. The teachers tried to calm everyone down, but joined the rush eventually.  
  
Tidus was about to start running, but Sora grabbed his shoulder.  
  
"Dude, we have to find Riku!"  
  
"Why? What's he done for me lately!?"  
  
"Remember yesterday when you dropkicked Farley McNuthid?"  
  
Tidus paused.  
  
"He took the fall for me . . . I guess I'll help find him . . . but after that, I don't owe him anything! I only dropkicked that Farley McNutthead once!"  
  
The school and halls were empty, and tumbleweeds rolled across the empty halls.  
  
"What's a tumbleweed doing in school?" Sora asked as he and Tidus went to the bathrooms, where Riku was most likely to be.  
  
"Sora, must you be so single-minded? Tumbleweeds emphasize emptiness, loneliness, vacancy!"  
  
" . . . Well that answers all questions but one."  
  
"Which is?"  
  
"What's a tumbleweed doing in school?" Sora asked again as they turned the corner.  
  
"Hey listen!" Tidus stopped Sora outside of the bathrooms.  
  
*sob*   
  
"Riku's in there!" Tidus finished. He was about to go into the boys' bathroom, and then Sora stopped him.   
  
"Listen closer."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tidus *giggle* its coming from the girls' bathroom."  
  
They both started cracking up.  
  
"Why's Riku in there!?" Tidus said purposely loud.  
  
The sobbing subsided.  
  
"Riku, why are you in the girls' bathroom!?" Sora asked, not used to being so loud in a school.  
  
"I-I wanted to see what it was like . . . ?"  
  
Sora and Tidus tried to hold in the laughter.  
  
"Come out, school is cancelled and we're the only ones left! Lets go home!" Tidus yelled.  
  
"School is cancelled!? Hot dog!" Riku rushed out.  
  
"Race ya'!" He yelled.  
  
"You're on!" Sora agreed.  
  
"WAIT!" Tidus stopped to both of them.  
  
"We're the only one's here in school . . . can you say 'possibilities'?"  
  
"Possibilities" Riku and Sora said at the same time."  
  
Tidus slapped his forehead.  
  
"Not literally!" He flicked them both on the forehead.  
  
"We can do ANYTHING we want. Eat all the food, break into girls' lockers, no one will ever know . . . "  
  
"Cool!" Sora agreed.  
  
"What is cool, young man?" The principal loomed up behind him.  
  
"I don't know why you three are still in school, but the minute I heard myself announce that there was no school . . . "  
  
"Sir?" asked Tidus.  
  
"I was in the teachers' lounge when I heard myself announce that there was no school?"  
  
The three boys looked at each other.  
  
"Principal, how could YOU have announced it if you were in the teachers' lounge?" asked Riku.  
  
"I don't know . . . but I'm following the announcement and going home to my wife! Later dudes."  
  
The principal started pimp walking down the hall, and turned the corner.  
  
The three blinked.  
  
"Lets have fun!" yelled Tidus.  
  
"WAIT!" Sora yelled.  
  
"What?" asked Tidus.  
  
"Shouldn't we try to find out what's going on?" Sora responded.  
  
" . . . "  
  
"An adult that WASN'T the principal apparently made that announcement, and they wanted the school empty for a reason!" Sora concluded.  
  
"Nooo way! Too scary!" said Tidus as he sat on the windowsill of the large window.  
  
"It's not like its dar—"  
  
"Sora, NO!" Riku tried to stop Sora from finishing.  
  
"I was only going to say it wasn't dark—"  
  
Suddenly the sun fell and the moon came up, and it was pitch black outside.  
  
" . . . well the lights—"  
  
"Sora, NO!" Riku continued.  
  
The lights went off and it was dim.  
  
" . . . oops."  
  
"Now you might as well say that the doors and windows are locked and a crazy maniac is after us!" Riku yelled.  
  
"NO!" Sora and Tidus screamed.  
  
It got darker, and the doors locked. A crazy laughter echoed.  
  
"AAAAAHHHHHH!" the three scared youths ran in opposite directions.  
  
Riku, Sora, and Tidus were in for one scary night.  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: Heh, well I fixed the symbol problem on chapter two, and this one should be free of errors. 


	4. Escape from Campus

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
  
IV  
  
Tidus ran in a panic screaming blindly down the hallway. So fast, that his necklace flew off.  
  
"NOOO! My lucky jackal's tooth! I can't do a thing without my lucky jackal's tooth!" he ran back and started feeling around for it, but felt a head of hair, instead.  
  
"AHH! The ghost of Freddy Krueger!"  
  
"Calm down. Tidus, its me."  
  
"Kairi?"  
  
"I was in study hall when the lights went out."  
  
"Didn't you leave with everyone else?"  
  
"I wanted to get in extra study time!"  
  
"You mean you wanted to stay alone at school and do weird stuff!"  
  
"What!? Tidus, that's ridiculous! Why are YOU here?"  
  
"Uh, well, I kinda . . . "  
  
"That's what I thought. Where are the others?"  
  
Tidus' eyes began to adjust to the dark.  
  
"I lost them when I was running around in a blind rage."  
  
"A blind rage!? Like that time in the supermarket when you found out that Barney wasn't real?"  
  
"First of all, I wasn't in a blind rage, I was just surprised. Second of all, Barney IS real!"  
  
"Suuure. Tidus, tell me where Riku and Sora went."  
  
"They're brave! They're probably marching to the principal's office right now to find out what's going on!"  
  
***  
  
Sora and Riku cowered in a corner.  
  
"Riku, if we don't make it out of here alive . . . I just wanted you to know that . . . "  
  
"You remember that time when you had to kiss that girl with braces, and they got stuck to your lips?"  
  
"You swore you'd never speak of that!"  
  
"And pictures of that scene mysteriously appeared around school?"  
  
" . . . Sora I'm going to have to kill you."  
  
"Better you than whatever monster is around here. Hey, if you kill me you'll be in this place all alone . . . "  
  
"Oh . . . Sora, remember that time when we got locked in that closet, and played hide and seek to pass the time?"  
  
"Yeah! I kept forgetting to check in the closet!"  
  
" . . . right. Anyway, I kinda cheated."  
  
"Go on."  
  
"You remember how that one coat seemed unusually big?"  
  
"Riku, how could you!?"  
  
"I didn't think you'd think it was that bad!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Shouldn't we be trying to find Tidus?"  
  
"Yeah, whatever"  
  
Sora and Riku walked down the hallway and their eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness.  
  
"You watched that commercial with the car in Hawaii, right?" Sora asked at random  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Why DO they have interstates in Hawaii?"  
  
"They're planning on-"  
  
"No no" Sora interrupted.  
  
"Give me an answer that requires the use of thought."  
  
"Well, maybe the highway is only inside the state, so its an interstate."  
  
"But on our island, the highways connect to all kinds of continents, but some of 'em are still called interstates."  
  
Riku started thinking harder.  
  
"Well, maybe at the border of the two states, the road becomes the interstate of a different state."  
  
"But its all one road! It can only belong to one, Riku! It can only belong to one!"  
  
"Have you ever been to the border, Sora?"  
  
"That's beside-"  
  
"ANSWER the question!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"As I thought. Then the roads are probably split somewhere, you just assume they're connected."  
  
"Does this mean you won the argument, Riku?"  
  
" . . . I'll let you off easy."  
  
"Your point makes no sense, Riku!" Sora began arguing.  
  
"SORA! Haven't you ever heard the quote: "Live and let live"?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'm sure you know the meaning."  
  
"Not really."  
  
"You said you've heard it before."  
  
"You're putting words in my mouth, I just said I had heard it." Sora retorted.  
  
"Sora, it means if someone lets you off easy, then you have to refrain from attacking them again!"  
  
" . . . What about when you were suffocating Lisa that one time? She could have stabbed you in the stomach with that kitchen knife, but she didn't, even though you were killing her! She let you live, but you kept trying to murder her!"  
  
"I wasn't trying to murder her, I was just giving her a little hug!"  
  
"LIES! She was turning blue!"  
  
" . . . so I'm a little passionate."  
  
"I bet you don't hug your mother that hard."  
  
"Why would I. You and Tidus are the ones in love with her."  
  
"Riku, I do NOT love your mother."  
  
"Sure, sure. Want me to give you her number?"  
  
"She lives across the street! Besides, I don't date people with cheesy children!"  
  
The two bumped into Kairi and Tidus.  
  
"Thinking about dating someone else, are you Sora?" Kairi asked.  
  
"Kairi!"  
  
Sora pulled who he thought was Kairi up and kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"Kairi!" he said again, hugging her.  
  
" . . . uh, Sora, we're not friends like THAT" Tidus said.  
  
"Ahh!" Sora shooed him away and grabbed the real Kairi.  
  
"I thought it was Kairi!" Sora said defensively.  
  
"Sure you did, Sora."  
  
"So now I have competition?" Kairi asked.  
  
"I think he gets it from his father." Riku added.  
  
"What are you talking about? He has a kid!" Sora screamed.  
  
"Who?" The three of them asked.  
  
"ME!!!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Why are you guys so quiet?" Sora aksked.  
  
"It adds to the mood." Riku said.  
  
"I have an idea!" Tidus interjected.  
  
"Lets look in Riku's locker!"  
  
"Uh, its to far." Riku said.  
  
Suddenly the lights came on and everyone found out they were right next to Riku's locker.  
  
"Cool!" Tidus slammed it with a fist and it opened.  
  
"No! The world isn't ready for what's inside!" Riku yelled.  
  
Tidus started reading the plays that Riku had written for drama class.  
  
"Mr. Chuckles and the three stairs, A New Dress for Doctor Wigglesworth, and . . . " Tidus stifled a laugh.  
  
"Don't laugh when you hear it!" Riku warned.  
  
"The Final Revelations of Kitty Jimbo and Weasel Bob!"  
  
At first Kairi, Tidus, and Sora tried hard to stifle laughs. Then they fell on the ground and started cracking up completely.  
  
"Don't laugh! Someday the world will see the brilliance!"  
  
"Weasel Bob!" Tidus yelled as he laughed more.  
  
After they had a good laugh, the three got back up to look at a very upset Riku.  
  
"I'm sorry Riku, but-It was too funny!" Tidus said.  
  
"It wasn't funny!" yelled Riku.  
  
"It was genius!"  
  
"Like the time Sora filmed my mother and father in a room for three hours and sent it to Playboy?" Riku asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah! But-Hey! That was Wakka!"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"We don't have time for this!" Kairi interrupted.  
  
"We have to get to the bottom of this."  
  
"I think this is the lowest level-" Tidus started.  
  
"Not literally, you clodhopper." Kairi said, slapping Tidus on the back of the head.  
  
"We'll go to the office and find out what's going on!"  
  
"Oh" said Tidus, Riku, and Sora at the same time.  
  
Kairi led the way and they all went down the hallway and turned the corner to go towards the office.  
  
A hand came out of the locker and pulled in Tidus, but no one seemed to notice. Another hand grabbed Kairi, but Sora and Riku for some reason didn't hear her tortured screams.  
  
Finally, the two went into the principal's office and saw a figure in dark clothing in the principal's chair.  
  
"Reveal yourself!" yelled Riku and Sora at the same time.  
  
The figure jumped at them but crashed into the wall, and the black cloth fell off of it.  
  
Riku and Sora gasped.  
  
"Scooby-Doo!"  
  
The small dog stood up.  
  
"And I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids and . . . "  
  
The small dog burst into tears and jumped out of the window.  
  
"That was weird." Riku said.  
  
"And pointless." Sora continued.  
  
The two turned around a found Tidus and Kairi by the doorway looking angry.  
  
"What about us!? You forgot all about us!?" Kairi yelled.  
  
The two looked at each other.  
  
" . . . anyway, lets get out of this window. The drop is only about two feet." Riku said, ignoring them.  
  
The four exited out of the window and walked across the nighttime grass and onto the sidewalk at the back of the school. The walked home from their.  
  
"We almost went crazy!" Tidus screamed.  
  
Riku laughed.  
  
"Yeah, you be our official entertainer/jester if anything like that happens again."  
  
"I deserve a better role!"  
  
Everyone started laughing.  
  
"Good one, Tidus, but save it for the escapades." Sora said, patting Tidus on the shoulder.  
  
" . . . "  
  
They walk off until you can't see them anymore, and you hear Sora's voice.  
  
"I didn't look for my dad today! My mom's going to send me to bed with no supper and make me sleep in the basement!"  
  
*chuckles can be heard*  
  
"It's NOT funny! Last time I told them it was illegal, they said the government was lying!"  
  
*Chuckles stop and crickets start to chirp. You still can't see anyone and can only hear their voices*  
  
"Last time I slept there, I found three strange men!"  
  
*the cricket is quiet and you can hear the sound of people running away from Sora and the screeching of the tires of cars.*  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: I hope Sora finds his father soon . . . or else ALL of Destiny Islands will be in chaos. In the next one, Tidus sees the guidance counselor, and Wakka tries to get Selphie to play hooky with him in Destiny Islands Private School. 


	5. Wakka skips school

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
V  
  
Wakka is talking to the Destiny Island Aurochs in his 'office' which is really just the janitor's closet sitting behind a bucket on top of a smaller bucket. He is currently at Destiny Island's Private School.  
  
"You guys, you were good players and all-"  
  
"Wakka?" A member of the Aurochs (which was the blitzball team) raised his hand.  
  
"What, Keepa?"  
  
"Do we have to have meetings in the janitor's closet?" He swatted a fly.  
  
"It's kind of nasty in here, no?"  
  
"NO!" yelled Wakka.  
  
"You agree?" Keepa asked hopefully.  
  
"No, no as in NO! No complaining about the location!" He pushed a button and Keepa was electrically shocked.  
  
"Yow!"  
  
"Anyway, you were good players . . . but I feel I'm gonna have to fire ya."  
  
"FIRE US!?" The Aurochs yelled, jumping up.  
  
"Yeah, you actually suck!"  
  
Botta stomped his foot.  
  
"But Cap'n Wakka! We're the only guys in high school that can hold our breaths for longer than two minutes!"  
  
"SO!?"  
  
"The blitzball games last ten minutes!!" He yelled back.  
  
"SO!?"  
  
"The games are under water!"  
  
"SO-I mean, what? Then where am I gonna find more players . . . oh never mind. You're all fired!"  
  
The five former members of the Aurochs muttered curses to Wakka under their breaths as they left. Wakka left soon after, and stood in the empty hallway just as the bell for first period rang.  
  
"I'll find more players somehow . . . "  
  
The coach suddenly turned the corner and spotted Wakka.  
  
"Hey Wakka! You have a game right after school today!" he said.  
  
Wakka blinked.  
  
"Hey, your Tidus' dad! Wassup, Coach Jecht, you just get a job here?"  
  
"Yep. They fired me at my old one for hitting a kid."  
  
"Did he get on your nerves?"  
  
Jecht laughed.  
  
"You mean SHE! Gwahahahhaha!" Jecht walked off laughing crazily making Wakka uneasy. His memory of his abusiveness faded when he remembered that he had a game after school. Where was he going to find more players while school was in session? Children who talked without permission during school were beat over the head with sausages. (Rule of the principal)  
  
"There's only one thing to do! Play hooky!" Wakka declared, but then stuffed a hand over his mouth when he realized he was just outside of the teacher's lounge.  
  
Wakka quickly turned the corner and bumped right into Lisa.  
  
"Ah! Watch where your goin', ya?" he said, getting up from the ground and rubbing his head.  
  
"You bumped into me" she muttered as she got back up.  
  
" . . . Wait a minute, what are you doing out of class, Lisa!?"  
  
"Delivering a message to the principal. And you?"  
  
"Uh, loitering?"  
  
"Where's your pass?"  
  
Wakka pulled out a picture of himself with a thumbs-up sign."  
  
"Wakka, that's just a picture of you."  
  
"Uhhh . . . no it's not?"  
  
" . . . ?"  
  
Wakka fell on his face and grabbed her ankle, and began crying.  
  
"I have to put my blitz team together before the end of school and play hooky! Please don't tell anyone! I beg of you!"  
  
"Okay."  
  
"I'll be your slave."  
  
"Uh . . . Okay, Wakka, I won't tell anyone."  
  
"I'll do your chores! I'll wash your shoes!"  
  
"Wakka! I won't tell anyone!"  
  
"I'll do anything!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
She shook Wakka off.  
  
"Wakka, I said I wouldn't tell!"  
  
"Oh . . . okay!" He ran past Lisa and to the exit.  
  
When he stopped, he was panting heavily.  
  
"Man, I need to stop doing that . . . wait! I'll need an accomplice!"  
  
Suddenly an mini devil Wakka popped up on Wakka's right shoulder, and another devil Wakka popped up on his left one.  
  
"Where's the angel, ya?"  
  
"Get Selphie as your accomplice!" Devil number one yelled.  
  
"I concur!" Devil number two yelled. They both disappeared.  
  
"Oh well, I guess I need Selphie." Wakka opened the door and she came barreling in.  
  
" . . . that was fast, ya?"  
  
"Hi Wakka! Can't talk, I'm late!" Selphie said, but before she could run off Wakka grabbed her wrist.  
  
"We got places to go." He said.  
  
"Places?" she echoed.  
  
"Trust me." He pulled her out.  
  
Selphie looked around at the large open space.  
  
"Wow." She said.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Being outside during school hours is even better the fifth time."  
  
Wakka looked at her susupiciously.  
  
"What do you mean the fifth time?"  
  
"Uhh, nothing. Are we playing hooky??"  
  
"Not just any kind of hooky, Selphie! We gotta find blitzball players!"  
  
Selphie twirled her brown curls.  
  
"How come?"  
  
" . . . cause there's no more on my team."  
  
" . . . why?"  
  
"I fired 'em all!"  
  
"What!? Why?"  
  
"I'll tell you later. Let's get away from the school and go find blitzball players!"  
  
***  
  
Sora sat at the desk next to the window in math class, not really paying any attention. He looked outside at the bush, which had suspicious red hair sticking out of it.  
  
Suddenly, Wakka burst out of the bush and Sora let out a startled scream, and everyone in the class stared at him.  
  
"Sora, have you something to say to the class?" The teacher asked in an annoyed voice.  
  
"No ma'am." Sora muttered. "Stupid wretch" he whispered under his breath.  
  
"Now class!" the teacher started.  
  
"It is a well known fact that two six plus two is sixty-two . . . " the teacher began.  
  
"But Ms. Oppenheimer, it's eight!" a kid yelled.  
  
"Quiet back their! I am a fully qualified math teacher with a first-rate education!"  
  
"She must mean first-GRADE education!" Tidus whispered to the girl next to him.  
  
The class giggled except for Sora, who sighed at how stupid the joke was, and how stupid his classmates were for laughing at it, probably because they were educated by a stupid teacher.  
  
"Hey, Sora" Wakka whispered from the bushes.  
  
"Why aren't you in school?"  
  
"Will you join my blitzball team?"  
  
"What! No!"  
  
The class looked at him again.  
  
The teacher walked over to Sora and Wakka hid in the bushes.  
  
"Who are you talking too, Mr. Barzhad?"  
  
"Uh, God?" he tried.  
  
"Hm. Well do it some other time!" she yelled, walking back to the calkboard.  
  
Sora growled and looked back out the window.  
  
"No way I'll join!"  
  
"The blitz stadium has the only husky pork in town tonight until the new shipment comes in . . . "  
  
"So?"  
  
Wakka sighed.  
  
"You're dad will be there to get some! Duh!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Just get Kairi, Tidus, and Riku to join, I'll get Lisa or Selphie to join, and then we can play blitz tonight!"  
  
"Whatever." Whispered Sora. "Don't you get beaten with sticks if you're caught playing hooky?"  
  
"How'd you know?" Wakka asked.  
  
Around the bushes, officials from Wakka's school were tapping their feet and holding long sticks.  
  
"Ahhh!" Wakka tried to run but it was too late. He was stopped by the guards and hauled off. Sora watched him bet dragged behind a tree, and heard the sounds of sticks making impact and Wakka screaming.  
  
***  
  
That night Sora went to Riku's to watch Scooby-Doo, which was getting increasingly ridiculous.  
  
The gang began pulling off masks from the "monster"  
  
"Tetsuya Takahashi!" they yelled.  
  
They pulled off another mask.  
  
"Joseph Stalin!" they yelled.  
  
They pulled off another mask.  
  
"George Clooney!" they yelled.  
  
They pulled off another mask.  
  
"Nobuo Uematsu!" they yelled.  
  
They pulled off another mask.  
  
Riku changed the channel in irritation and switched to the Barney.  
  
While the fake dinosaur danced around with the kids, the sound of machine gun bullets could be heard, and a kid got hit in the leg and ran. A few stray bullets hit Barney in the stomach and he fell, two more hitting him in the head. His screams echoed out on television as he was pelted with bullets. Then, you can hear a voice on T. V. off screen.  
  
"Hey Bill, you know that new Matrix movie we were doing?"  
  
"Yeah, Tom?"  
  
"I think we're in the wrong spot, this isn't our practicing arena, this is the set of 'Barney'"  
  
" . . . I won't tell if you won't"  
  
Riku changed the channel.  
  
"Snow white!" they Scooby-Doo gang yelled, still pulling off masks.  
  
They pulled another off.  
  
"John Wilkes Booth!"  
  
They pulled off his face, revealing a skeleton.  
  
Riku turned the T. V. off.  
  
"There's nothin'-freakin'-on!" he yelled in agitation.  
  
"All the shows are freakin' corrupted!" he yelled again.  
  
"What about those teletubbies?"  
  
"A guy with a flamethrower burnt them all to a crisp."  
  
"Blue's Clues?" asked Sora.  
  
"Some idiot shot a bomb in the middle of the show."  
  
"Seventh Heaven?"  
  
"The OLSEN twins guest-starred!"  
  
"So?"  
  
"Sora! The OLSEN twins guest-starred! Why don't they just blow up the set instead!?"  
  
"Still don't like 'em?" Sora laughed.  
  
"Forget it." He looked at the time.  
  
"Wakka's blitzball game is in ten minuets. Let's get Tidus and go."  
  
Sora sighed.  
  
"Whatever. Maybe I'll find dad."  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: The next chapter involves a blitzball game and Sora sees his father . . . 


	6. The blitzball game

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
VI  
  
Sora, Riku, Tidus, Selphie, and Lisa were in the blitzball waiting room, tapping their feet while sitting on the rusty benches by the lockers.  
  
Sora tried for the fifth time to tell Riku a joke that he'd understand.  
  
"Okay Riku, why did Tigger look in the toilet?"  
  
" . . . I give up."  
  
"He was looking for Pooh."  
  
"Sora! That's disgusting! Why would anyone be looking for crap!?"  
  
"Not that kind, Riku, Pooh the bear."  
  
"Now people are turning feces into animals!? What the hell, Sora!?"  
  
Sora sighed and shook his head.  
  
"Riku, you have no sense of humor whatsoever, you know that?"  
  
"At least I have dignity enough not to tell disgusting jokes."  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Why's Wakka so late?" Selphie asked, leaning back.  
  
Suddenly the door opened and Wakka was standing in his official blitzball outfit. The black shirt with sandals and yellow overalls.  
  
He looked around as if inspecting everybody.  
  
"Line up!" he yelled.  
  
Kairi stood up.  
  
"Wakka, I'm sorry, but I just remembered my mom was having surgery, I can't stay!"  
  
Wakka shrugged.  
  
"Oh well, I guess no one will warm the bench, then. You may leave."  
  
Kairi ran out of the room.  
  
Sora stood at the far left, Riku next to him, then Lisa, Tidus, and then Selphie.  
  
Wakka started with Sora.  
  
"Do something about that hair, they'll designate it as a weapon."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
He went to Rikku.  
  
"Take off the wig, Sonny Jim, it doesn't make you look cool."  
  
"That's my real hair!" Riku yelled.  
  
"Good one, ya? Now take off the wig before I fire you."  
  
Riku just stared at Wakka and growled as he moved on to Lisa.  
  
He grabbed her ponytail and yanked it forward.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"So that is real hair . . . "  
  
Sora quickly held her back as she lunged for Wakka.  
  
He went to Selphie.  
  
"Not bad, not bad . . . "  
  
Finally he went to Tidus.  
  
" . . . who signed the rookie?" Wakka asked to no one in particular.  
  
Tidus growled.  
  
"First of all, I'm an ace at blitz. Second of all, YOU SIGNED ME!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
Out of the blue, the old Besaid Aurouchs Datto, Botta, Jassu, Keepa, and Letty walked in.  
  
"Why are YOU guys here?" Wakka asked.  
  
The ex-Aurouchs laughed.  
  
"We just wanted to see if Cap'n Wakka was being nice to the new team members." Letty answered.  
  
"They love me!" Wakka yelled, facing his ex-team members.  
  
"Is he a snob?" Keepa asked.  
  
Everyone started nodding, and then Wakka turned around and they began shaking their heads.  
  
The Aurouchs started giggling.  
  
"Hang in there, eh?" asked Jassu as the rest of them filed out.  
  
"They have me to lean on!" Wakka yelled after them.  
  
"Right?" He asked the new team members.  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Come on guys, right!?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
" . . . anyway, the game starts in a few minutes, so get ready!"  
  
***  
  
The opposing team, the Duggals stood on one ledge on a particular side of the giant sphere of water, which was the blitzball arena. The Aurouchs stood on the opposing side. The crowds all around were cheering madly.  
  
"Nice crowd today, eh Dunlap?" asked the first announcer.  
  
"You got that right, Melvin" said the other one.  
  
"I hear Wakka disposed of the old Aurouchs." Melvin began.  
  
"Kind of like your wife disposed of you!" Dunlap joked.  
  
" . . . Sometimes I wonder why I talk to you, Dunlap."  
  
"'Cause if you didn't you wouldn't be talking to anyone!"  
  
" . . . And I'd still get better answers! Now, lets introduce the Duggals!"  
  
All of the Duggals jumped into the blitzball arena and started swimming around as their names were called.  
  
"Aren't they great!?" Melvin yelled over the cheering crowd.  
  
"And now, the Aurouchs! A living, breathing, statistical impossibility! I have NEVER seen a team so bad it's mythed that they haven't won a single game since the they were formed by that loser Jakka!"  
  
"Don't make fun 'o my daddy!" Wakka yelled.  
  
*He throws a blitzball in the announcer's general direction and you hear glass shattering and a yelp*  
  
"Where'd that come from!?" asked Melvin.  
  
"Introducing the captain, Wakka!" Dunlap continued.  
  
Wakka waved and leaped in as the crowd booed and threw rotten fruit, beans, and artichokes.  
  
"Tidus!" Dunlap yelled again.  
  
Tidus waved and leaped in, the crowd cheering.  
  
"Shouldn't you say their last names?" Melvin asked.  
  
"Of course!" Dunlap announced, and then continued.  
  
"We have our goalie, Selphie Tilmitt!"  
  
Selphie nervously jumped in.  
  
"Riku Osterot!" Riku hesitantly jumped in as well.  
  
"Sora Barzhad!" Sora jumped in after Riku.  
  
"And Lisa . . . "  
  
*A plane roars by overhead, and the sound is drowned out*  
  
Lisa trips and falls in headfirst, nervous that she didn't get a good breath.  
  
"Alright! Now Dunlap and I are going to be right back as we talk a little private business! Meanwhile, watch the Aurouchs get destroy-I mean fight the Duggals!"  
  
*Melvin thinks he's turned off the microphone, but he hasn't.*  
  
"Those Aurouchs are as good as dead. No way those losers will ever do any thing worth narrating. ? The microphone's still on!? Oopsidaisy!"  
  
The Aurouchs start struggling to hold their breath except for Wakka. After a few minutes the Duggals start trying to get the ball from Wakka who gracefully evades them all and kicks the ball. All through the game the Duggals give nasty looks and taunt the other Aurouchs. Tidus eventually scores, then passes the ball to Riku who gets tackled.  
  
Riku swims up to the guy, and makes an angry motion.  
  
One of the Duggals makes a kissing motion and then points to his ass. Riku kicks the Duggal hard in the groin and groaning is heard even through the water.  
  
*Melvin turns the microphone back on*  
  
"I'm going to have to call a foul-"  
  
"Wait, Melvin! Let 'em fight!"  
  
*Melvin stays quiet*  
  
Wakka starts cracking up and the female goalie of the Duggals swims up and grabs him from behind. He smacks her, then she doubleslaps him. After a flurry of slapping, she kicks Wakka hard in the nuts, and he groans. Then he grabs ties her hair to his shoe in a super-quick motion, and starts swimming around, sending her head flying everywhere. Riku pushes his Duggal away and then swims to the goal, scoring in the goalie-less goal.  
  
Selphie, in her goal, cheers, and then a female Duggal comes and slaps her across the face. Selphie starts crying and the female Duggal starts laughing.  
  
Selphie kicks her and slaps her across the face, and then they start and intense bitch-slapping fight. Fortunately, everything was mostly silent as they were underwater.  
  
Lisa tries to help, but is tackled by a male Duggal. Riku gets pissed and swims over, punching him in the face and making blood float. The Duggal gets pissed right back and starts wiping the goal with his face. The Duggal Riku kicked earlier jumps on his back.  
  
Sora is swimming to help, but is ambushed by the last two Duggals, both male. (AN: Remember, Duggal is the name of the team, not some species!)  
  
One Duggal holds Sora, the other one beats him in the chest and stomach. Wakka tackles the Duggal smacking Sora, and Sora spins the other one over his shoulder and pulls out his keyblade.  
  
He smacks them both and they run as fast as they can, Sora and Wakka pursuing, the female Duggal that Wakka hurt still going to get revenge.  
  
*The Duggals and Aurouchs fight intensely and are eventually stopped by the police* The Duggals are let off on self-defense, but the game ends when the Aurouchs are taken in to the station for questioning.  
  
*All six of them are sitting in a room, certain people glaring at others, Riku staring at the floor. Wakka stared at him.  
  
"You HAD to kick that guy in 'nads, didn't you, Riku?"  
  
"He told me to kiss his ass!" Riku yelled, outraged.  
  
"Besides, WAKKA, you beat up a freakin' girl!"  
  
"She was beating the crap outta me, ya?"  
  
"I'll say!" Sora said, laughing.  
  
"Shut up! It was Riku and I that saved your spikey-ass anyway."  
  
"At least I wasn't unnecessarily violent!" Sora retorted.  
  
"Right, Mr. 'I brought my keyblade to the blitzball game so I'm God'" Riku muttered.  
  
Wakka burst into laughter, and Sora steams.  
  
"Riku, you beat up two guys!"  
  
"They hurt Lisa!"  
  
"So you don't think I can take care of myself, or do I need a big strong man all of the sudden?" She asked.  
  
"Yeah Riku, back off!" Tidus said.  
  
"You weren't even man-enough to fight!" yelled Riku back.  
  
" . . . well, I wasn't as violent as Wakka."  
  
"Why does everyone keep talking about me?"  
  
"Shut up, Wakka!" Tidus, Riku, and Sora yelled.  
  
Wakka snorted.  
  
"You guys laugh at me, but it's because you all envy my body!"  
  
Tidus laughed in disbelief.  
  
"Yeah, we all wish we were puny nobodies."  
  
"What'd you say punk!? You wanna say that to my face!?"  
  
Tidus walked to the middle of the room.  
  
"Meet me halfway, or are you chicken?" Tidus asked him.  
  
"I'll kick your ass!" Wakka yelled, standing up.  
  
"You wanna go?" Tidus went into fighting position.  
  
"What you got, pansy-boy?"  
  
"STOP! We're acting like kids!" Sora yelled.  
  
Riku stood up.  
  
"Sora's right!"  
  
*Inspiring music plays, and a giant Destiny Islands flag waves behind Riku*  
  
"We should be in this for moral values, and happiness, not to see who can wipe the floor with who! What are we building for OUR children but a world of destruction"  
  
*The song "When Johnny comes home/The ants come marching one-by-one" starts playing.*  
  
"We should live based on the moral values and truth that are forefathers set for us and . . . what the hell am I talking about?! We ARE kids!"  
  
*The music stops and you hear the sound of a record scratching, and the flag burns and disappears*  
  
"I bet on Tidus!" yelled Sora.  
  
Before they can continue, Tidus just sits down and Wakka does the same.  
  
"I'm the captain here!" he yelled.  
  
"Next time we'll do this MY way!"  
  
"There won't be a next time" Selphie said, looking at him angrily.  
  
"I AM CAPTAIN! I WILL DECIDE! I AM THE CAPTAIN!"  
  
A policeman walked in.  
  
"Okay, who's the captain?" he asked.  
  
Wakka jumped behind Sora.  
  
"He is" he said weakly, pointing to Sora.  
  
Sora shook his head.  
  
"Look on the registration, you'll see its Wakka."  
  
The policeman laughed.  
  
"Wakka, you'll have to be in jail for a day"  
  
"What! My nanny will never forgive me!"  
  
*curls up into a ball and sucks his thumb*  
  
"The rest of you can go" The policeman said, taking Wakka away.  
  
Everyone shrugged and walked out, suddenly you hear screaming.  
  
"OH MY GOD! A CRAZY MAN IS INVADING THE HUSKY-PORK STAND!"  
  
"Dad!" Sora yelled instantly, running down the hall.  
  
Riku was about to go after him, but Lisa just stopped him.  
  
"Riku, let him go. He can handle this without us."  
  
Riku nodded and he and everyone else evacuated the building.  
  
***  
  
*Mr. Barzhad is among broken glass, his clothes ripped, eating husky-pork like a chimpanzee without a movie*  
  
"Dad!" Sora yelled as he walked up to him.  
  
"Get away! My husky-pork!"  
  
"Dad, come home! You can have all the husky-pork you want, I swear! I miss you!"  
  
" . . . "  
  
A policeman runs next to Sora with a gun.  
  
"Don't shoot my dad!"  
  
"It's just a tranquilizer, see?" The policeman comforted. He shot, missed, and hit a chair, which exploded.  
  
Sora blinked at him.  
  
" . . . Woops."  
  
*Mr. Barzhad stuffs husky-pork in his pants and you hear the sound of an angry weasel. Then Mr. Barzhad runs out and his bare feet hit glass, he yelps and screams in pain, the runs out*  
  
Sora sighs.  
  
" . . . Dad. When will I ever get you home!"  
  
Sad music plays, the policeman leaves, and the screen turns black.  
  
*You hear Sora's voice*  
  
"Oh no! Now I get no supper and I have to sleep in the basement!"  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: When will Mr. Barzhad ever come home? Next chapter chronicles Wakka's jailbreak! (Sorry about forgetting Lulu in one chapter. She's gonna make her debut in the next chapter. 


	7. Wakka gets out

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
VII  
  
*Sephiroth is sitting on the couch in front of the television, remote on his belly which is unusually large and round, beer stained on his white shirt, empty bottles of it all around, a cigarette in his mouth, and porno magazines scattered on the table.*  
  
Riku walked in.  
  
"Hey dad"  
  
Sephiroth dives on the porno and covers it.  
  
"I swear I wasn't-oh. Hi Riku. Did you win?"  
  
"NO! Wakka got us disqualified."  
  
"Oh . . . "  
  
"Dad, are you smoking? Are you drinking? Is that porn! Shouldn't you be at a job?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
Sephiroth burst out into tears and falls on the floor.  
  
"They fired me! They said my ideas were too violent!"  
  
"I thought you were only doing Cocoa-Puffs commercials!"  
  
Sephiroth sniffs.  
  
"I was! Look!" He yelled, switching the remote so that it showed the channel of his commercial, and presses play on the same remote.  
  
*The scene opens and it has Sonny, who of course is that mentally challenged bird that tries to advertises Cocoa-Puffs*  
  
Two kids walk, and Sonny bursts out of the ground with dirt clods all over him.  
  
"How 'bout some Cocoa Puffs!? You'll go friggin' nuts!"  
  
The first kid tries some, and then starts jumping around frantically.  
  
"I friggin' nuts for Cocoa Puffs!"  
  
The other kid tries some, and pukes.  
  
"This tastes like the feet of a wolverine!"  
  
"Impossible! Say you love 'em!" Sonny shouted.  
  
"I hate 'em!"  
  
*Sonny pulls out an AKs-74u and points it at his head*  
  
"Say your friggin' nuts for Cocoa Puffs or I'll friggin' BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF!"  
  
The kid shivers and puts on a fake smile.  
  
"I love Cocoa Puffs!" he said weirdly.  
  
The commercial ends and Sephiroth's voice says: Eat Cocoa Puffs or you will be gunned down by a large bird!  
  
The screen goes black.  
  
"Dad, you want the honest truth?"  
  
"Tell me, son."  
  
"I think you would have taken Cocoa Puffs off of the market if that commercial had been aired."  
  
"What do you know, your just a kid!"  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, Wakka's in jail, and he gets word that his parents will be visiting him.  
  
Wakka sits on his hard bed in his small cell, crying his eyes out and sucking his thumb.  
  
His whole family comes, including his father named Jakka, his brother named Runna, his sister named Skippa, his other sister named Jumpa, and his mother Betty (?).  
  
Jakka walked up to the bars.  
  
"Wakka! I can't believe you went to jail! When you apply for Stanley's Pizza Shack, how will it look like if you have a jail record!?"  
  
"Dad? Stanley's Pizza Shack restaurants only operate in jails."  
  
" . . . that's still no excuse!"  
  
His mother starts crying.  
  
"My baby's in jail!"  
  
Jakka holds her.  
  
"There there, don't let our rotten delinquent child ruin your life sweetheart."  
  
His older brother Runna starts laughing.  
  
"Wakka, my brudda in jail!? This is too good, ya? Wait till I tell everyone, I'll be the coolest in school!"  
  
"Like they'll believe you!" Wakka snarled from behind the bars.  
  
Runna snapped a picture before Wakka was on to him.  
  
"Damn you, ya!?"  
  
Jakka glared at him.  
  
"I will not tolerate that language."  
  
"Like you can do anything from out there, old man" Wakka said under his breath.  
  
Skippa and Jumpa were looking at him sadly.  
  
"Daddy, when is Wakka coming home?" Skippa asked. Skippa and Jumpa were younger, both about five years old.  
  
"Not for another year!" Jakka declared.  
  
"Actually, dad, they're letting me off in two hours for good behavior."  
  
"Lies! I wish you'd stay there long! Don't you know how hard it is to get some serious lovin' from my wife with four kids around!?"  
  
*Betty and the kids stare at Jakka*  
  
"Uh . . . you really should be punished more." He said.  
  
Runna laughs.  
  
"With four kids, its obvious that you get plenty of lovin' old man!"  
  
*Jakka beams him on the head*  
  
"Watch your language Bubbaloo!"  
  
"Ow . . . "  
  
Wakka just sighs as his family leaves.  
  
*Meanwhile, Jakka, Betty, and the kids are walking back to the car*  
  
"I'm so pissed that Wakka's in jail!" Jakka yells, he picks up a pole and smashes a random car, breaking the windows and destroying the hubcaps, the alarm of the unfortunate man's car goes off.  
  
"I don't care if I get sued! I'm so mad!"  
  
Runna sighed.  
  
"Dad, you realize that was OUR car, right?"  
  
" . . . Crap-Dammit!"  
  
He starts getting so mad he smashes another random car in the lot.  
  
A policeman walks by.  
  
"Sir, do you realized that's my car?"  
  
"Look, a doughnut!"  
  
"WHERE! WHERE I SAY!" He turns around and starts searching.  
  
Jakka whistles, then starts running like hell.  
  
The policeman turns around and looks at Betty.  
  
"Where!? Where dammit! Tell me!!"  
  
Meanwhile, Wakka rots in prison for another two hours. He twiddles his thumbs behind the bars, and then he hears the sound of a shadow slithering.  
  
"Oh no" he said.  
  
A dark shadow slithers into the cell and forms a girl. Lulu, of course.  
  
"Lu! What are you doing here."  
  
She gave him an evil look from one red eye, the other eye shaded by her dark hair.  
  
"I came to get you out of prison."  
  
"Well, I actually get out in a few minutes for good behavior."  
  
" . . . how few are those minutes?"  
  
A whistling deputy twirled the keys and opened up the jail cell for Wakka, who then walked out while Lulu just turned into a shadow and slithered to the outside of the building.  
  
"You're free to go kid . . . who was that shadow?"  
  
"Lulu. She turns into shadows cause she can harness the forces of darkness and when you're a shadow you're all flat and can fit anywhere."  
  
"Oh . . . we need to make that illegal." He said under his breath.  
  
Suddenly, two policemen were dragging Jakka down the hall and threw him into Wakka's old cell.  
  
"That'll learn ya'" One of them muttered as they walked off, making sure that the cell was locked.  
  
"Dad! Why are you in jail!?" Wakka asked.  
  
Jakka just muttered something about sentimental policeman and cars not being built strong enough.  
  
Wakka whistled and walked out to the parking lot, where he saw Lulu was waiting for him.  
  
"Hey Lulu, you're looking cuter than usual! I didn't think it was possible, what's up?"  
  
She gave him a death glare and held him in her vice-like grip until the started gasping.  
  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! You look like the princess of darkness!"  
  
She smiled a sadistic smile and let him go.  
  
"Lost another game, Wakka?" she asked in that dark and creepy voice.  
  
" . . . It wasn't my fault this time!"  
  
"Your friends wait for you around the corner at the park, Wakka."  
  
Lulu started walking off, but the bottom of her black dress hid her feet and made it seem like she was floating, earning her scared looks from passersby on the sidewalk. Wakka followed Lulu the short walk away from the prison.  
  
"Is your brother Chappu still around?" she asked out of the blue.  
  
"No, he went off to college loooong time ago."  
  
"Oh . . . "  
  
"Don't tell me you still have the hots for him, Lu!"  
  
"No, he's four years older than me."  
  
Sora, Tidus, and Riku were at the swings of the old park waiting for Wakka, who cut across the grass to get to the main path with Lulu.  
  
Sora saw Wakka first and greeted him.  
  
"Hey Wakka."  
  
"Hey guys."  
  
Lulu turned into a shadow and slithered along the ground to scare the living daylights out of someone.  
  
Wakka sat down on the bench.  
  
"So, ready for the next game?"  
  
"Wakka!" The other three yelled at the same time.  
  
"What?"  
  
Riku let out a breath.  
  
"Wakka, we are not going to another one of your games!"  
  
"Then who will play for me!?"  
  
"The Aurouchs" Tidus told him.  
  
"What do you mean 'The Aurouchs'?!" Wakka said, mocking Tidus.  
  
"We rehired 'em" Tidus explained.  
  
"I fired 'em cause they sucked!"  
  
"Ye of little faith." Sora shook his head.  
  
"You shut up, Sora!"  
  
"Ye get mad far too easily, thou stubborn."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
"Look, I'm sure you can get along with them. Just give them another shot." Riku negotiated.  
  
"Thou won't be disappointed." Sora encouraged.  
  
"Will you quit the colloquies?! There completely antiquated! And I don't want to give them another chance!"  
  
"Lulu!" Tidus called.  
  
A shadow slithered up, formed Lulu, and then she started suffocating Wakka.  
  
"Okay! Okay! Spare me!" Lulu dropped him back onto the ground and she slithered off.  
  
Tidus looked at his watch and yawned.  
  
"Wakka, we can't be your Aurouchs anymore, you need to deal with it."  
  
He and the others walked off, leaving Wakka.  
  
Before Sora, Riku, and Tidus could get far, a couple of ambulances and police sirens blazed down the road, running over parked cars and fire hydrants.  
  
A few minutes later tons of people were running the opposite direction of the emergency vehicles.  
  
In just a few seconds there was a stampede of people, and The four had to jump onto trees and playground equipment to avoid being trampled.  
  
"Hey! What's going on!" Sora screamed into the crowd.  
  
An old man with a neck brace running haphazardly screamed up at him.  
  
"Some crazy men and women demanding husky-pork! They tearing down the store, they be ripping up the place, they beating the croutons out of anyone who don't agree! They all being led by this guy named Sion!"  
  
Sora let out a deep sigh that couldn't be heard over the screaming.  
  
"Riku!" He called over to his friend who was seven feet in a tree.  
  
"Are you ready!?"  
  
Riku felt the dark keyblade in the makeshift sheath at the back of his pants.  
  
"I'm ready, Sora."  
  
Leaving the others behind, the two jumped into the sea of people and started pushing their way through, making sure not to lose each other.  
  
"Sora! Where do we go!?"  
  
"Just go the opposite way of all the people!"  
  
That was hard and easy to do at the same time.  
  
In the distance Sora could see that the grocery store, Husky-Pork 'R Us was on fire. (Husky-Pork 'R Us is also famous for its wonderful selection in household items, magazines, snacks, and all food essentials. Be sure to visit your local Husky-Pork 'R Us!)  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: I know, I know. Mr. Barzhad again? He shouldn't let the crazy man escape again! Next, Wakka tries to take Lulu out, Sora and Riku actually fight Mr. Barzhad, Lisa has to babysit Wakka's two sisters, and . . . I'll think of something. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait. I had to get ready for high school (damn). 


	8. Mr Barzhad escapes again

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
  
VIII  
  
Riku and Sora jumped, leaped, skipped, galloped, ran, loped, sped, sprinted, jogged, rolled, walked, briskly paced, and at a point even hitch- hiked with a strange man holding a gun to get to Husky Pork 'R Us. Another explosion could be heard and the endless sea of people continued running.  
  
Finally the two jumped through the window, over the husky-pork aisle, and into the area where the husky-pork was kept. Mr. Barzhad was engorging himself on raw husky-pork.  
  
"There's no escape now!" Sora yelled, closing the door to the storage as Riku shuffled in.  
  
Mr. Barzhad looked up at Sora.  
  
"Well if it isn't my son, Sora?"  
  
"Dad, for the last time, stop this madness!"  
  
"Son, don't you see? I'm happy here! Join me!"  
  
"Dad!? Don't you remember your times as a bouncer!? Remember Kou, remember Volt! They were all your friends!"  
  
"F-friends?"  
  
He clutched his husky-pork loaf.  
  
"I don't need friends! I have husky-pork! HUSKY-PORK DAMMIT!" he started stuffing it his mouth, then started choking and puking all over the place.  
  
Out of the shadows came Kou and Volt, Sion Barzhad's friends.  
  
"Hey" Kou waved.  
  
"Sion, you have a wife, a kid, everything a man could want. They want you to come home, won't you come back?"  
  
"K-kou?"  
  
Volt stepped in.  
  
"Come on, buddy, you know me. Volt Krueger."  
  
"V-volt? NO! Husky-pork is the greatest thing that ever happened to me! I would never give it up!"  
  
Kou grabbed a pillar of husky-pork.  
  
He yelled as he kicked it into Volt.  
  
"Remember this!?" Volt asked.  
  
"Hiya!" he slammed the top down, and held it at a slight upwards angle.  
  
"Come on, Sion. You know you want to!"  
  
Sion started twitching and his mustache began to look funny.  
  
"H-h-husky-pork!"  
  
"No!" Volt and Kou exclaimed.  
  
"H-h-h-here goes!" he said his famous line and kicked the husky pork pillar straight into the sky.  
  
"Sion! Your back!" Kou yelled.  
  
Sion just smiled and looked up.  
  
The husky pork pillar fell back down on Kou with a sickening crack. Kou didn't get back up.  
  
"You want some too, Volt Krueger?" Sion asked.  
  
"I'll tell my uncle Freddy on you!" he said, running off into the shadows.  
  
Sora and Riku looked after Volt, then when they looked back at Mr. Barzhad he was running with a bunch of husky-pork loafs sticking out of his pants and shirt.  
  
Riku and Sora took off after Mr. Barzhad, who jumped out of the window, the two boys on hot pursuit. He jumped into a car and Riku and Sora had just enough time to hang onto the bumper.  
  
Mr. Barzhad started driving fast and wildly in an attempt to shake them off.  
  
"Get away from me!"  
  
"Nothing could stop us dad!" Sora yelled, hanging on tight. "Not even-"  
  
Up ahead was a field of cacti.  
  
"Fields of cacti!? No!!"  
  
When the car was through, Sora and Riku were full of prickles, but they held on tight.  
  
Riku continued.  
  
"Nothing will stop us! Not even-"  
  
The perfume department loomed up ahead and Mr. Barzhad headed straight for it.  
  
"The perfume department!? You're sick!"  
  
As the car zoomed through knocking people into the air, the poor adolescents were sprayed with all kinds of perfume, and when they came out into the open, they were barely conscious.  
  
"Nothing will stop us!" Sora continued.  
  
"Not even-"  
  
Large T. V.'s loomed up ahead.  
  
"Educational Television! Not this time, Bubbaloo!"  
  
Sora and Riku let go, Mr. Barzhad foolishly drove in, and high-pitched screaming, the sound of a car crashing, and an angry marsupial is heard.  
  
Sora sighed.  
  
"He got away again"  
  
A doctor walked up to them, holding an injured man.  
  
"You ran over this man!" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger.  
  
"No we didn't, Sora's dad did!"  
  
"Actually, I'm okay . . . " the guy said, getting up.  
  
The doctor pulled out a mallet and slammed the head of the victim, knocking him into the pavement.  
  
"I need one thousand dollars cash from you!"  
  
"Are you even a doctor?" Sora asked, twirling his keyblade.  
  
"Uh . . . look! It's Elvis Presley!"  
  
Riku wasn't fooled, but Sora looked away. The man grabbed his keyblade.  
  
"I'll betcha this is worth some bucks!" he yelled, running off.  
  
"My keyblade!"  
  
Riku put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"We'll get it, don't worry."  
  
"It's not that! My barber's phone number was on that!"  
  
"No offense, but you don't look like you even know what a barber is, let alone ever been close enough to one to get their phone number."  
  
"What are you trying to say?"  
  
"You need a haircut, Jack Black."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Yup. I can't believe you've ever seen a barber"  
  
"What does a barber have to do with cutting hair?"  
  
" . . . Sora, barbers cut hair."  
  
"Really? I always thought they reviewed credit-card numbers."  
  
"Whose credit card did you give him!"?  
  
" . . . My mom's"  
  
"You mean to tell me that you gave a barber your mothers credit card?"  
  
" . . . Riku! That's off the point! The keyblade will come back on its own eventually, but until then, I need to get the barber's phone number."  
  
"But Sora-"  
  
"Riku! We ride."  
  
Riku sighed and held on to Sora's shoulder. Sora cast multiple fire spells and sent them flying down the street.  
  
"How do you intend to get a phone number?" Riku asked.  
  
"Simple! We win a wrestling match."  
  
"What does this have to do with finding your father?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Sora?"  
  
"I've always wanted to wrestle, okay! Can't a man dream?"  
  
"Fine, but where will we find a ring?"  
  
*Screen widens and there is a large theater behind them. They both turn around*  
  
"Oh" they both said. They walked across the street and approached two huge doors that were being blocked off by a huge guard.  
  
"Halt!" he yelled, putting out his hand.  
  
"How strong are you?" he asked in a gruff voice.  
  
"Really strong?" Sora tried.  
  
The man shook his head.  
  
"You have to use analogies."  
  
Sora went into deep thought.  
  
"I don't really know any analogies."  
  
The guy sighed.  
  
"How fast're you?"  
  
"I'm faster than Barney in a narcotics raid!" Sora supplied.  
  
"Or than Big Bird to the drug store!" Riku added.  
  
"Faster than Officer Krueger in a donut shop." Sora said again.  
  
"That's not very fast." Commented the guy.  
  
"It is if you give him ten bucks."  
  
"Come on in!"  
  
*Sora and Riku walk into a dirty looking parlor, and a giant rat is at the counter.*  
  
A guy walks behind the counters, sees the rat, and starts beating it over the head with a broom, causing it to hiss and run into a hole big enough for Sora to go through.  
  
"Damn!" yelled Riku.  
  
"Can I get you anything before you go in?" the guy at the counter asked.  
  
"You have lemonade?" Sora asked, sitting down.  
  
"Hold on."  
  
*He goes in the back, you hear the sound of pants being unzipped and a spraying sound*  
  
"Here's your lemonade." The guy said coming back.  
  
Sora looked inside and sees a family of rats swimming around inside.  
  
"That's nasty as hell!" he said.  
  
"I'm not taking that!"  
  
"Suit yourself."  
  
*The guy starts downing the "lemonade", rats and all, causing Sora to run to a trash can and puke his guts out*  
  
Riku patted him on the back.  
  
"With a place this unsanitary, we should be able to beat anyone they throw at us."  
  
A big muscle-bound wrestler comes out, and motions for them to go through the doors. Sora and Riku enter to find a large cheering crowd, and an arena where to incredibly large guys are waiting.  
  
"It's a tag tournament, you know the rules" the guy said, motioning for them to enter the arena.  
  
Sora and Riku run up, and are immediately booed, people throwing old popcorn and half-eaten lollipops and a few diamond rings, which Sora immediately stuffed into his pocket.  
  
"I'll go first" Riku said. The two large wrestlers in similar black uniforms started yelling, the lights went low, the crowd started waving signs, and Riku climbed over, sizing up his opponent.  
  
A referee jumped in and looked at a clock.  
  
"Anything goes! Begin!"  
  
The wrestler charged for Riku, who dodged out of the way, bounced off of a turnbuckle and flew back at him, hitting him right in the back.  
  
The wrestler turned around and picked him up.  
  
*Eight seconds later*  
  
Riku was lying bloody by the side of the ring, tagging Sora.  
  
"D-don't talk about his mom!" he said weakly.  
  
"Noted" Sora pulled Riku out and took his place, circling the wrestler who he now noticed had black teeth and bloodshot eyes.  
  
"I'll KEEL you lil' boy!"  
  
"Your mama wears combat boots!" Sora shot back.  
  
*Wrestler's eyes get big and bloodshot, and he pounds his chest like King Kong*  
  
"Sora!" Riku yelled from the sidelines.  
  
Sora circled the opponent, who runs at him and almost lands right on him just before he dodges out of the way.  
  
"Hah! Ya missed me!" Suddenly, the wrestler lands on him and you hear a sickening thud.  
  
"Sora!" Riku jumped in, pissing off the other wrestler and making him jump in as well, landing right on Riku, causing him to shout, then the referee pulls them out. They are immediately booed and people throw fruit and beans them.  
  
"You wrestle like my momma!" One of the thugs said.  
  
"Tell her I said 'thanks for last night'!" Sora shot back, after which he was pummeled into the ground by one of the wrestlers.  
  
***  
  
Tidus is sitting at Wakka's house with Wakka, watching the Stupid Awards, awards given for stupid events.  
  
"So who will it be!?" the announcer said.  
  
"The man who made himself allergic to his own snot, the man who suffocated himself by farting in a closed space, the man who wrote a book on how to read, or the man who called Freddy Krueger a pansy!?"  
  
"What would you rather do?" Tidus asked Wakka, slurping a milkshake.  
  
"Walk through a cage of hungry lions, or watch a Nick. Jr. marathon?"  
  
Wakka shrugged.  
  
"I don't know, both have been known to kill people."  
  
*The phone rings and the doctor is yelling about a huge bill for Riku and Sora's hospitalization*  
  
"What!? Why were you wrestling!?" Wakka asks to through the phone.  
  
*A jumbled answer*  
  
"For change!? Why!?"  
  
*A jumbled answer*  
  
"To call the hospital!? Why!?*  
  
*A jumbled answer*  
  
"To get your keyblade back!? Why!?"  
  
*A jumbled answer*  
  
"If a doctor stole it, why don't you just get it back now!?"  
  
*The sound of a door slamming, a wrestler yelling, then Sora and Riku's tortured screams*  
  
"Uh, Tidus, we'd better go" Wakka said, picking up his car keys and dragging Tidus.  
  
"But you don't have a license!"  
  
"The cops don't' know dat!'  
  
"Wakka! You'll go to jail!"  
  
"It will only have been my fifteenth time."  
  
"Uh . . . don't you mean second?"  
  
"Uh . . . yeah! Who told you otherwise?"  
  
"You said fifteenth."  
  
Wakka shook his head.  
  
"Tidus, you need to quit drinking"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Come on!"  
  
Wakka opens the door and he finds two officers holding .357s in his face.  
  
"Uh . . . hi!"  
  
"So you wanna drive illegally?" One officer asks.  
  
" . . . "  
  
"You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent in the court of law! You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot provide one, the island shall provide you with the dumbest, stupidest lawyer in existence!"  
  
" . . . Okay officer. I will go quietly."  
  
"Subject is resisting arrest! Get him!"  
  
*Officers start beating him to the ground*  
  
"Ahh!"  
  
Wakka screams and Tidus watches him get dragged into the cop car.  
  
Tidus looks around.  
  
"I guess its up to me to get my friends out of jail." 


	9. A Night of Nightmares

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
IX  
  
Sora finds himself floating in a dark void, Ansem in front, Kingdom Hearts behind him, and Goofy and Donald beside him.  
  
Ansem started giving his dramatic speech on how all hearts originated from darkness and how Kingdom Hearts had no light and all that jazz.  
  
"You're wrong!" Sora began.  
  
"Because I know now, without a doubt, that Kingdom Hearts is light!"  
  
*The door begins to open and there is only darkness*  
  
Ansem started laughing.  
  
"See! I told you! Where's my munny?"  
  
Sora growls and tosses Ansem twenty gil, making Donald slap his head.  
  
*A large rabbit comes out of nowhere and grabs Donald and Goofy, then runs off as they scream for their lives*  
  
"What'd you do with my friends!?"  
  
Ansem shrugged.  
  
"Lots of people hate Disney. They probably hired a hitman."  
  
" . . . well now what do we do!?"  
  
"Wanna play cards?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"I have an idea! Lets play Final Fantasy VII . . . "  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Without any bathroom breaks."  
  
"AHHH!"  
  
*Sora wakes up in a cold sweat on a sleeping bag, and then looks around and finds himself in Tidus' room.*  
  
Suddenly, Selphie burst in through the door.  
  
"Selphie!?" Sora asked.  
  
Tidus was still fast asleep on his bed.  
  
"Ohhh. He's so cute when he's asleep."  
  
"Selphie!" Sora yelled.  
  
Tidus sat up bolt upright.  
  
"Who's in my house!?"  
  
"Tidus!" Selphie yelled.  
  
"Selphie? It's five 'o clock in the morning!"  
  
"I've been looking everywhere for you! The roof, the sewers, the trash can, under cars . . . "  
  
"Why didn't you just come over to my house!?"  
  
"That's not important! There's this big blowout on every item in the mall! Everything is half price!"  
  
"The mall doesn't open until seven-thirty!"  
  
"That's why we have to be there early."  
  
"What does this have to do with me"  
  
"Only you can buy twice as many video games . . . "  
  
Tidus sprang up.  
  
"Sora! I'll see you later! Get some sleep, you're still hurt!"  
  
Tidus grabbed Selphie and rushed out of the dark room, closing the door behind him.  
  
Sora let out a sigh and went back to sleep.  
  
***  
  
Sora found himself at the edge of the plank in Captain Hook's ship, surrounded on all sides by water. Below him was the deadly crocodile. He had chosen to walk the plank, and face death.  
  
Then, he heard Peter Pan's voice in his head.  
  
"Just believe Sora, and you can fly!"  
  
Sora thought, then believed he could fly.  
  
He dropped down, straight into the jaws of the deadly creature. He thought he was flying, but then noticed he wasn't and started screaming as the crocodile snapped its jaws down on his crotch and he started yelling in panic as it swam away with him in his mouth, feeling nothing but pain.  
  
"Damn you Peter Pan!" he yelled as he woke up in a cold sweat.  
  
"Another nightmare!" He yelled to himself, smacking his own forehead.  
  
He drank a glass of water and moved up to Tidus' bed, and soon fell into a deep sleep . . .  
  
***  
  
"Okay Jafar! Back in your lamp!" Sora yelled, holding his lamp out to Jafar, the large red all-powerful genie.  
  
Jafar just stared at him and pointed behind Sora. Sora stupidly turned around and Iago snatched up the lamp and broke it, cackling like a maniac.  
  
"Sora you moron!" Donald hopped up, slapped Sora, then landed back down.  
  
"You will burn for eternity!" Jafar yelled, flaming his backside.  
  
"My ass! Oh my God, my ass!" he yelled, running around in a blind rage.  
  
***  
  
Sora woke up and could have sworn his backside was hot. He tried yet again to go to sleep without a nightmare.  
  
***  
  
Sora walked up to Beast, he was in Hollow Bastion, and Beast had just been hurt badly by a maniacal Riku who had stolen his keyblade  
  
"Are you okay!?" he asked, running up.  
  
Beast looked up at him, and then smacked him in the nuts without a second thought, and Sora started screaming like a Banshee.  
  
***  
  
Riku had the Oblivion in his hand, a keyblade that could unlock peoples hearts. He stood over the crouching Sora, and held it over his head.  
  
"Ahhh!" he let out a lofty battle cry as he brought down the blade on Sora's head.  
  
"Sora!" Kairi warned.  
  
Sora brought up his keyblade at the last second and the two blades met.  
  
Suddenly, without warning, Sora's keyblade broke.  
  
"What!?" Sora asked to no one in particular.  
  
Riku smiled and talked in the strange voice.  
  
"I have conquered you!"  
  
"Stop possessing my friend, Ansem!" Sora yelled at him.  
  
"I'm not possessed, Sora! I'm doing this of my own will!"  
  
"What!? Why!?"  
  
"Because I don't like you, Sora!"  
  
Riku held up his blade and bopped Sora on the head, making him fall, and then he spend the next five minutes beating the bejeezus out of him while Kairi watched.  
  
***  
  
Sora woke up again, sweating profusely and sick of the nigihtmares.  
  
"Ahhh!" he yelled out to no one.  
  
Riku burst through the door.  
  
"Sora, are you okay!?"  
  
Sora grabbed his throat when he came near.  
  
"Y-you bastard!"  
  
"What did I do?" Riku asked  
  
Sora slowly took off his hands.  
  
"Sorry about that, Riku. It's just that I was having all these nightmares where you did horrible things to me."  
  
"That time's over now, Sora. It's morning, we're having a party!"  
  
"Great!"  
  
Riku walked towards the door.  
  
"We've got lots of chips . . . "  
  
"Cool"  
  
"But we forgot the dip"  
  
"AHHHH!"  
  
***  
  
Sora woke up again, clutching his heart, and pinching himself just to make sure that it wasn't a nightmare.  
  
The real Riku arrives.  
  
"Sora, why are you screaming?" he asked from the door.  
  
"N-nightmares!" Sora gasped out.  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"I don't know what caused it! It couldn't have been those nightmare pills I"ve been taking!"  
  
Riku got incredibly lazy eyes.  
  
"Wow Sora, I don't know what could have happened" he said sarcastically.  
  
"I'm so miserable I wish I never existed!"  
  
"Don't say that!" Riku started.  
  
"If you never existed, then who would the flies follow?"  
  
Sora looked at Riku angrily.  
  
"I was just kidding! Go on back to sleep, you know we have school today. You're just lucky Tidus let us use his room." Riku said while yawning, dimming the lights and climbing into a sleeping bag.  
  
"Aren't we going on a field trip to the husky-pork industry?" Sora asked, yawning and falling into a deep sleep.  
  
"Yeah, we can question the manager, maybe. We can also tell them to stop manufacturing those gophers! They keep diggin' up my yard!"  
  
" . . . Riku, Husky-Pork Inc. doesn't manufacture gophers."  
  
". . . I knew that! I was just testing your intelligence, I'm really part of an organization, top secret with a password and everything. We wanted to recruit you, Sora."  
  
"Password, huh? What is it?"  
  
"Uh, its Lion's den of the marked pants of the panda to the power of hockey- puck's eleventy-seven."  
  
"You just made that up!" Sora accused.  
  
"No I didn't!"  
  
"Then say it again!"  
  
"Uh, Marked panda's gym shorts . . . "  
  
"Hah!"  
  
"Just go to sleep, Sora!" Riku exclaimed, laying his head back.  
  
"And going to Husky-Pork industries might be a lethal mistake! We could go insane"  
  
"We won't go insane . . . " Sora muttered through sleep.  
  
"That's what your dad said."  
  
"What!?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
The two finally sunk into a sleep and didn't notice the large figure looming in through the window . . .  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: Another one down. Sora, Riku, and a few others are going to find the truth behind the husky-pork scandal once and for all. Will that be the end? Of course not! 


	10. To HuskyPork Inc

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
X  
  
Tidus and Riku sat in their section of the classroom, talking with the rest of their classmates. It was before the bell, and Sora had just showed up, sitting next to Riku and behind Tidus.  
  
Sora was whistling "Simple and Clean" and polishing the keyblade that he refused to part with, and Riku turned to him.  
  
"We can take that field trip to the Husky-Pork Inc. and finally find out what's going on."  
  
Sora stopped whistling and nodded.  
  
"I bet they put illegal addictive drugs in it . . . " he began.  
  
"That make people crazy?" Tidus asked, turning around.  
  
Sora growled heavily.  
  
"Tidus, I swear . . . "  
  
"I'm sorry" Tidus said quickly. "Your dad was ALREADY crazy."  
  
Sora just shook his head.  
  
The bell rang, and Mrs. Osterot walked through the door, straightening out her glasses. Within two seconds, every male except Sora and Riku dove up to her desk and smothered her with fruit baskets, chocolates, candy-canes, love letters, perfume, and a Barry White tape.  
  
Mrs. Osterot cleared her throat and set all of the gifts next to her desk.  
  
"Boys, I am very flattered but I am married!"  
  
They guys groaned as they headed back to their seats. When Tidus sat back down, Riku glared at him.  
  
"You! You need to stop hitting on my mom!"  
  
"Why? Jealous?"  
  
Riku sighed.  
  
"Tidus, I am not in love with my own mother. And secondly, I read your love letter and heart isn't spelled H-A-R-T."  
  
Tidus looked down, blushing.  
  
"Students." Mrs. Osterot said after finishing the attendance sheet.  
  
"We have a new student today, her name is Lulu . . . "  
  
*A fire engine roars by, drowning out all sound*  
  
Mrs. Osterot looks around.  
  
"Anyway, her last name was . . ."  
  
*An ambulance roars by, drowning out all sound*  
  
Mrs. Osterot looked flustered and was about to yell out her name, and then a fireman and paramedic come to the door and put there hands across their throats in the universal death sign, and then leave.  
  
The door opened and Lulu walked in, her black dress dragging the floor.  
  
"Please, introduce yourself!" Mrs. Osterot requested in a friendly tone.  
  
"I am called Latria Malinda Unada Necrium Adirondria Gartina Esteves Lazizi Trarinda Riniadado, but the Lords of Darkness call me Lulu"  
  
*All flowers in the room die, lighting strikes in the background, a horse starts squalling, a car crashes, and the lights temporarily go out*  
  
Lulu turned into a shadow and slithered to the back of the room, and then reappeared in a seat.  
  
Mrs. Osterot blinked.  
  
"Alright . . . well, class, today we are scheduled to visit the Husky-Pork Corporation, so let's not waste any time!"  
  
*The class cheers and forms a friggin' stampede out of the door and through the halls, creating a public disturbance and ripping up the floor as they run as Mrs. Osterot simply relaxes in her desk and Lulu slithers out of the window to the front of the bus.*  
  
Lulu was of course to walk across the grassy lawn of the front of the school, and into the bus where she took a nice seat in the back where none of the nimrod kids were likely to disturb her.  
  
In one point five seconds, the bus was filled with noisy kids, and Riku and Sora rushed to the back next to Lulu, on the left seat while Lulu was on the right. Tidus sat at the seat in front of Lulu and looked back at her.  
  
"Lulu! Long time no see!" he said, extending his hand.  
  
"Whatever" she mumbled staring at him with her blank, red eyes.  
  
"You're lookin' good" Tidus tried.  
  
This time she completely ignored him.  
  
Riku had the window seat, and was looking outside the whole time as the bus began to move.  
  
"What's wrong, Riku?" Sora asked him.  
  
"I've never had this bus driver, and I've heard he's really wild."  
  
"Don't worry about it, it'll be fine." Sora comforted, putting a hand on his shoulder.  
  
The bus driver sped up, turning a wild left and hitting a fire hydrant and one car, throwing everyone to the right of the bus, and Lulu was squashed by Sora's rear. Then the driver drove up a ramp and landed on a police car, turning a crazy right sending Lulu's shoe into Riku's eye, and then up another ramp that made the kids scream as they banged their heads on the top. Then the bus began driving on the sidewalk, pedestrians diving out of the way, after which the bus went back to the street and ran over a Popsicle Stand.  
  
"He blew that Popsicle Stand!" Tidus yelled.  
  
The bus slammed through a store, and a whole stand of Kit Kat bars flew into the windows.  
  
"Give me a break!" yelled Sora, exasperated.  
  
The bus barreled again down the street.  
  
"This sucks!" Riku and Sora both yelled, just as the bus full of screaming kids barreled through a cellular phone company.  
  
"Do we think alike or what?" asked Riku.  
  
Finally, the driver brought the bus to a halt and everyone in the bus flew over the seats and through the windshield, except the bus driver who sped off.  
  
The kids ran off screaming in separate directions.  
  
"Yes! Husky-Pork Inc!" Sora yelled.  
  
*Triumphant Fanfare music plays in the background, and Sora's face suddenly turns sour*  
  
"Riku, will you turn that down!?"  
  
Riku blushed and turned off the boom box, kicking it away into the shadows.  
  
Tidus and Lulu dusted themselves off, just as another crazy bus pulled up and sent kids flying through the windshield, and then sped off and turned the corner, screams echoing out as it did.  
  
Kids scattered in all directions once again, and Sora noticed they were from Destiny Islands Private School.  
  
Riku stared up and noticed the large building in front of him, an he also noticed that most all of the kids were rushing off of the complex, and when he tried to do the same the gates closed, locking him, Sora, Tidus, and Lulu inside.  
  
Three others walked up that were immediately recognized as Lisa, Wakka, and Selphie.  
  
"Lisa!" Riku squeaked.  
  
"Oh no" she was tackled by Riku and pinned to a stone wall, where he started smothering her with kisses and suffocating her, and her face turned a shade of red, then blue, and then a lovely shade or purple.  
  
"Ri . . . ku" she gasped as she was mercilessly smothered.  
  
Riku finally decided it was time to let go of her, and she dusted off her shirt and glared at him.  
  
"You should give me proper warning when you're going to hug me!"  
  
"Whatever for?" Riku asked.  
  
"So I can get my pepper spray."  
  
"I'm only being polite!"  
  
"Be polite to my guts!"  
  
"Sorry . . . " he walked off as if he were about to cry, and Lisa sighed and followed him.  
  
Wakka walked over to Lulu and gave her a bouquet of flowers from behind his back.  
  
"I got dese for ya!" he said proudly.  
  
Lulu growled and took them, and they immediately turned black and withered away.  
  
"Ahh, a feisty one" purred Wakka.  
  
Lulu just stared at him and walked off.  
  
"Husky-Pork industries! Lets go in!" Sora yelled. "We're the only kids here!"  
  
Sora immediately started walking, but Riku grabbed him.  
  
"Hey hey! We have to infiltrate!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Come on Sora, costumes!"  
  
*007 music starts playing, and Riku appears out of nowhere in a sharp black tux, pulls out two .357's, then holsters them, and puts on sunglasses*  
  
" . . . Riku, how'd you do that?" Sora asked him.  
  
"Just imagine it, this is showbiz"  
  
*They both look at the screen and get creepy looks*  
  
*The theme from Peter Gunn begins to play, and then Sora materializes an AN- 94 machine gun and a bright white suit equipped with the shoes and tie*  
  
"Let me try!" Tidus immediately joined in.  
  
*The theme from Mission Impossible started to play, and Tidus slips into a sleek black tuxedo, flips around a P90 on his finger and tucks it into his pocket, grinning, and slicking back his hair.*  
  
Wakka blinked at the three sharp dressed men.  
  
"What are you guys doing? You don't need all that fancy stuff to infiltrate a place! All you need is a hairpin and fish paste!"  
  
Tidus straightened the rose on his suit and blinked at him.  
  
"How would those help?"  
  
Selphie walked around to the back of Tidus.  
  
"These suits still have the price tags on 'em, and they cost less than five bucks! Are they economy suits or what?"  
  
Tidus made the "shh" sign and put an arm over Selphie's shoulder.  
  
"Are we here to talk or to infiltrate?"  
  
The eight made their way to the gigantic entrance, except for Lulu who seemed to be cursing things and turning them black, then slithering around in shadow form and scaring the heck out of things.  
  
When they reached the double-door entrance, Sora stopped them.  
  
"Let me go in first, and then I'll tell you guys if its safe."  
  
They nodded, and he headed inside, surprised to find only a secretary reading a magazine and polishing her nails.  
  
"Hey! Can I see the president of this company?"  
  
She pointed to the waiting room in the next room, and Sora hesitantly went in.  
  
"I wonder how long they make us wait . . . "  
  
He noticed a skeleton in a business suit sitting next to him.  
  
"Ahhh!"  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: One of the final chapters in the husky-pork saga of this fic. This is my biggest update since Normandy, and with this chapter I have put up the latest chapter of my Final Fantasy crossover (Fantasy Thunder) and the first chapter of my FFX fic, chronicling Braska's pilgrimage with Jecht and Auron, so read if you're interested. 


	11. The Fall of Walt Husky

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
XI  
  
Later, everyone else came in and they approached the doors to the interior of the building after the secretary gave them clearance.  
  
As the team wandered to the front of the building, Sora held out his hand and stopped them.  
  
"You guys, we have to remember that no matter what, we have to stick together!"  
  
They all groaned.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sora! We're frankly tired of your teacher's pet smart-ass goody-two-shoes remarks. Stop being such a friggin' nice guy!" Riku yelled, frustrated.  
  
"But we might get mad at each other!"  
  
"Like when?" Tidus challenged.  
  
"Remember that catfight . . . ?" Sora began. The screen got all woogly like, and a flashback started.  
  
***  
  
Riku, Sora, Lisa, and Kairi were sitting in respective areas around Riku's living room, and it was dark and stormy outside. Because of this, the four had to remain inside.  
  
Riku was hunched over his Pre-Calculus textbook, trying to figure at least one thing out, but he was totally stumped.  
  
"Damn! If only I knew my asymptotes!" he yelled in frustration.  
  
"Here, let me help." Kairi walked over and started giving Riku a step-by- step explanation, both of them shoulder-to-shoulder over the coffee table, as friends of course. Lisa didn't mind, but then she noticed that Kairi whispered something into his ear and they both started laughing, and Riku put his arm around her shoulder.  
  
Sora really didn't care, he knew they were friends, but Lisa was a female, streaked with competitive jealousy. Her eyes flared and she walked over to Sora and sat down disturbingly close to him.  
  
"Sora, you're looking so handsome today!" she said so everyone could hear.  
  
Riku sighed, as he knew what would happen next.  
  
Kairi wrapped her arms around Riku's neck.  
  
"You're so strong, Riku! Can you show me MORE of your moves tonight?"  
  
"Kairi, you might wanna-" Sora warned.  
  
"I know you've always wanted to be with me . . . " Lisa whispered in a way that told she wasn't trying to keep it a secret.  
  
Kairi growled and started tussling Riku's hair in the way that Lisa always would, except Kairi did it a little too hard.  
  
"Would you rather have a non-slut girl?" Lisa asked loudly.  
  
"Stop talking about yourself, you aren't that bad!" Kairi yelled back.  
  
Lisa grabbed an unexpected Sora and kissed him like she had never kissed Riku.  
  
Kairi gasped and dropped Riku flat on his face, and pulled Lisa off.  
  
"Listen you little bitch, you get off my man or I'll lynch you like the dog you are!"  
  
"Don't make me humiliate you, you Saturday-Night-Whore!"  
  
*Kairi jumps on Lisa and starts pounding her face in, and then Lisa pins her down and knees her in the stomach, and they both start yanking at each other's clothes.*  
  
Riku went back to his math problems, and Sora continued reading his magazine, Keyblade Weekly, as Lisa and Kairi continued to pound the living shiznit out of each other.  
  
Kairi had numerous slap marks that made her face red and a black eye, and her shirt and mini-skirt were ripped. Lisa had two black eyes and her shirt was ripped clean off. Finally, Riku looked up with a bored look.  
  
"You guys go up and change already and quit yer fightin'!" Riku yelled out.  
  
Lisa grumbled and took her backpack up to Riku's room, and Kairi walked after her.  
  
"You're spare clothes are in my second drawer!" Riku called up.  
  
"Why are Kairi's clothes in your drawer?" Sora asked.  
  
Riku started looking up and whistling.  
  
"You know, Lisa has really soft hands, and her hair smells like strawberries."  
  
" . . . how come I didn't know that?" Riku asked himself.  
  
"She sure does have a grip! And what muscles! Why I-"  
  
"That's enough there, Sora" Riku said nervously.  
  
"I'm not done. I never noticed that her eyes change colors, their brown in humidity, and bright when its dry! And she always has a calculator on her, what a girl!"  
  
"Sora . . . " Riku was getting agitated.  
  
"I sure wish she was my-"  
  
"You bastard!" Riku jumped on him, and the two got into a brutal dogfight, beating the friggin shiznit out of each other, and then they got into an immense pimp-slapping contest for the rest of the time.  
  
***  
  
"You know, I won that pimp-slapping contest." Riku pointed out.  
  
"That's not the point! The point is that if we lose it in here, we lose it everywhere!" Sora snapped.  
  
Tidus nodded.  
  
"I suppose you're right. Can we go in, now?"  
  
Sora nodded and ran up the wall, did a backwards somersault off of the corners, and flew threw a broken window, landing on the other side of the clear revolving doors.  
  
Riku shook his head in pity and walked through the doors like everyone else, saving time and energy, and Sora laughed nervously and blushed, rubbing the back of his head.  
  
"Who owns Husky-Pork Inc.?" Lisa asked, sick of the Husky-Pork antics.  
  
Sora immediately gave a thorough explanation.  
  
"Walt Husky, forty-two years, three months, one week, four days, three hours, twenty-two minutes, and fourteen seconds old. He founded this industry two years ago, lives on 3423 Husky Lane, drives "The Husky- mobile", wears a suit made out of 39% husky-pork, and uses the bathroom every day at 3:03 p.m. He has two kids named Walter and Janet, Walter is fourteen, and Janet is twenty-five."  
  
Everyone paused and stared at Sora wide-eyed.  
  
"How the hell you know all that!?" Wakka asked, pointing an accusing finger.  
  
Sora sighed an exasperated sigh.  
  
"It's because my dad makes me sit through three-hour sessions every Saturday preaching to me about the wonders of husky-pork, and his favorite subject is Walt-Freakin'-Husky, okay!?"  
  
Riku shook his head and tsked.  
  
"Crazy . . . "  
  
"Riku, I'm warning you!"  
  
"Sora, stop denying it! He's crazy! Crazy! CRAZY! Crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy . . .  
  
*Five minutes later*  
  
" . . . crazy crazy crazy! Just admit it!"  
  
Sora looked down.  
  
"Fine! I admit it! My dad's a nut!"  
  
Selphie woke up from a nap.  
  
"Did Sora just admit his dad's craziness!?"  
  
Sora hung his head.  
  
Riku patted his back.  
  
"Hey, my dad lost his job."  
  
Sora looked up.  
  
"How can he lose something he never had?"  
  
"He had a job!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"A cereal commercial designer!"  
  
" . . . what kind of half-ass job is that? What'd he get paid, negative eighty?"  
  
"Now you're bustin' my dad"  
  
"That's different Riku, you're dad's as insane as mine is crazy!"  
  
"That's not true . . . "  
  
"He tried to sell tickets to a free school function!"  
  
"Sora, lets just get going, the others have already left"  
  
He pointed to the rest of the group heading to the elevator, and Sora and Riku followed.  
  
They piled in, and Wakka punched the button to the top floor. For some reason, the elevator stopped at floor two, and then the doors opened to reveal a crowd of ninja.  
  
" . . . Are those ninja!?" Tidus wondered aloud.  
  
The ninja stared at them.  
  
"What are you doing in husky-pork inc?" one of them asked.  
  
"What are YOU doing in husky-pork inc.?" Lisa countered.  
  
They both stared at each other for a few seconds.  
  
"We won't tell if you won't" said one ninja.  
  
"Agreed" Sora said. The elevator closed and continued going up, and this time it stopped at floor three.  
  
"What's up!?" Sora asked, banging the doors as they opened to reveal a crowd of samurai.  
  
The crowd of them unsheathed swords simultaneously.  
  
"I think these guys mean business" Tidus said nervously, desperately trying to pound the button to go up.  
  
The samurai started charging.  
  
"Hurry! Close the door!" Kairi yelled, trying to pull them together.  
  
The door closed and the sound of a body hitting it could be heard, followed by a high pitched moan.  
  
"Suckers!" Wakka yelled.  
  
*A sword flies through the door right by his head*  
  
"Ahh!" he dove away from the door. The sound of cables breaking could be heard, and the elevator started to ascend at a rapid pace. The sound of chickens squawking could be heard, and then the elevator starts opening and shaking, and everyone but Riku and Sora fall out, screaming as they plummet.  
  
"Lisa!" Riku grabbed her hand but the g-forces were to great, and she lost contact, falling to her doom.  
  
The elevator jerked and Sora and Riku flew into an industrial area.  
  
"What the . . . " Sora rubbed his head and looked around, noticing a big silver tub shaking, then loaves of husky-pork popping out and being automatically packaged.  
  
"Hey Jim, get more of those people into the tub!" a guy yelled.  
  
Riku and Sora looked at each other, and then in the direction of the voice.  
  
"Husky-pork is people!" they yelled simultaneously, running around screaming it over and over.  
  
"So that's why your dad's so addicted!"  
  
"So that's why there's so much of it!" Sora added.  
  
"And that's why my neighbor's dog loved it!"  
  
A man walked from behind the machine, a man that was instantly recognized by Sora.  
  
"It's Walt Husky!"  
  
"Where do you get those people!?" Sora asked, pointing an accusing finger.  
  
Walt laughed.  
  
"You know, cemeteries, the sides of volcanoes, school cafeteria refrigerators . . . "  
  
"Cannibal!" yelled Riku, charging him.  
  
Walt Husky moved out of the way.  
  
"You can never beat me! I have your father!"  
  
Mr. Barzhad came out.  
  
"I knew husky-pork was people the whole time! Mwuhahahahahahahahahah *hack, cough, wheeze*"  
  
"Dad! Why!"  
  
Mr. Barzhad materialized a lightsabor.  
  
"Sora, I am your father!"  
  
"Noooooooo!-wait a minute . . . "  
  
*Mr. Barzhad takes this opportunity to charge Sora, but Sora holds out his foot and Mr. Barzhad runs into it nuts-first.  
  
"Dad! Don't' you see! This is wrong! Get a grip!"  
  
"This is for Lisa!" Riku yelled, tackling Walt Husky.  
  
As he went to the ground, a remote control flew out and broke, and Mr. Barzhad seemed to snap.  
  
"Wha . . . Sora! Why are you here!? The next thing I knew, I was prisoner here!"  
  
"Dad, do you like husky-pork?"  
  
"Husky-pork, I hate that bullcrap!"  
  
"Daddy!"  
  
Sora tackled him and started hugging him.  
  
"You're back!"  
  
Walt Husky charged Riku in anger, and Riku moved out of the way and he flew out of the window.  
  
*You hear screaming for seven seconds, then you hear him take a breath, and start screaming again, then you hear him take another breath, then you hear a splat and a hippo saying "Eeeeew"*  
  
Sora got off of his dad, and Riku looked out the window.  
  
"It's everyone down there! There okay! Conveniently there was this gigantic trampoline . . . too bad Walt Husky missed it by a mile . . ." Riku reported. "Although I don't see how they landed on a trampoline outside when they fell down an elevator shaft . . .  
  
"I'm going to shut down this industry one and for all! Sora, let's go home." Mr. Barzhad declared.  
  
"Sounds like a plan dad, sounds like a plan."  
  
________________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: And thus ends the husky-pork saga. Is this the end of the fic? Don't you wish . . . The madness is far from over! Mwuahahahahahahaha *hack, cough, wheeze*  
  
In the next installment, Everyone in Destiny Islands finds out about Riku's threat to all worlds a long time ago, and the city rejects him. *Also marks the beginning of the Sephiroth-Bass saga* 


	12. You've been Punk'd

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
By Blue Dragon  
XII  
  
Riku awoke bolt upright in his bed, the past events seeming like nothing but a dream. The rise and fall of Mr. Barzhad's craziness, the fall of Husky-Pork inc. period, and the rise of a new era . . . fortunately there were probably no more shenanigans for a while. (I stress the word "probably")  
  
As Riku walked down the living room, he noticed that his father wasn't in his usual spot on the couch polishing his Masamune. (Had it been any other sword it would have long since broken from the vigorous polishing)  
  
"Dad?" he asked, still half asleep as he yawned and walked down the stairs.  
  
He heard tortured screaming, and then singing that sounded like a guy from N*Sync.  
  
"Dad!" he was desperate this time. He stormed down the stairs and bolted through the door.  
  
He saw Sephiroth clutching his neck.  
  
"Son! Run away! Hurry!"  
  
He convulsed and started to sing like Lance Bass.  
  
"I will soon have control, it is useless to resiiist" He sang out the entire line.  
  
"Dad! You're being possessed by Lance Bass!"  
  
"He's been in me for a long time! Just get out of here!"  
  
Riku ran off, sprung back up the stairs, pulled on whatever he could find, and then jumped out of the window. It was a Saturday, and that meant a well-deserved break.  
  
He walked down the street and turned right to get to the café, where he usually met his friends. At the time, only Sora was there, sitting back and looking up as if he was thinking about something.  
  
"Hey Sora" he said, sitting down across from him.  
  
Out of nowhere, a Mexican guy hurried over and pointed a bony finger at Riku.  
  
"You gonna buy summin'?"  
  
" . . . I was just sitting here."  
  
"Buy, or you pay a sitting fee of 12 bucks foo'!"  
  
Riku groaned and ordered a biscuit, the cheapest thing on the menu.  
  
Sora looked up at Riku.  
  
"Hey. I was just thinking about this show I saw, Punk'd."  
  
"That show?"  
  
"Yeah! I was thinking we pull off some of that stuff on our friends."  
  
Riku shook his head.  
  
"Your father just snapped out of looneyville and now you want to start another trouble storm?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"Count me in. What do we do first?"  
  
Sora whispered a plan to Riku.  
  
***  
  
Lisa and Riku had just come from a movie, The Monkey That Ate Cheese part III ½ . It was dark and there weren't many people on the streets.  
  
Out of the blue Riku gave her a big hug and she started to lose her breath again.  
  
"I love you!"  
  
"I can't breathe!"  
  
He hugged her harder.  
  
"Ahh!" She finally got him off.  
  
"I'm glad you're so affectionate, but there are times when a girl just needs her space!"  
  
". . . Fine, I understand."  
  
Suddenly, a jeep comes barreling down the street and two guys jump out with masks and M-16's.  
  
"Give me all your money!" He yelled, angrily jabbing the gun at Lisa.  
  
"Hey! Leave her alone!" Riku began, ignoring the guns.  
  
"That's okay, Riku" She started to hurriedly take money from her purse.  
  
"I said leave her alone!" Riku stepped in front of her.  
  
"Don't be a hero, Riku!"  
  
"You should listen to your girlfriend" the other one said, shooting him in the head with his automatic weapon. Riku fell face-first to the ground and blood poured from out of him.  
  
"Oh my God! What have you done!" she got down to help him, even though she knew he was gone.  
  
The thug pushed her away from Riku with his gun.  
  
"You're little friend's dead! I hope you're scared!" he said, pointing it to her head.  
  
She started sobbing, making no move to do anything.  
  
"Cause you've just been Punk'd!"  
  
*A bunch of cameramen step from the shadows and Riku gets up laughing. Sora comes from an alleyway laughing his head off and the thugs laugh as well.*  
  
"They were just lead balls filled with ketchup! Was that cool or what?" Riku asked his crying girlfriend.  
  
*Lisa slaps him*  
  
"You asshole! That was the worst thing you could ever do to me!"  
  
*She punches Sora in the stomach*  
  
"I know you put him up to this! I hope you all get mugged!"  
  
She ran off crying.  
  
The thugs took out real guns and pointed them at Riku and Sora.  
  
"Now give us your money!"  
  
***  
  
Wakka and Lulu were at an office building where Lulu was going to practice her flying skills from the top, and were in the middle of an elevator.  
  
"Lulu, I think you're pretty. Do you think I'm good-looking?"  
  
"Quite frankly, I think you're the homeliest boy on Destiny Islands" she said, looking away.  
  
The elevator stopped and Wakka waited near it, while Lulu proceeded through the hall and began to walk through a metal detector.  
  
"Ahem" the guard coughed.  
  
Lulu stepped back and the guard looked her up and down.  
  
"Undo your hair."  
  
She sighed and complied, and when she stepped through the detector rang.  
  
"Alright slick, stand to the side."  
  
He ran a portable detector and it kept going off in her midsection.  
  
"What are you hiding?"  
  
"Nothing! Let me though!"  
  
"Not until you take off your dress."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Take off the gown, ma'am!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Do I have to call the police?"  
  
"Search me all you want, I have nothing."  
  
"Then take off the gown!"  
  
"Not on your life! Who appointed you?"  
  
The officer looked offended.  
  
"Now you're questioning my authority?"  
  
"No, I just . . . "  
  
"Ma'am, what is your phone number?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your phone number ma'am!"  
  
"I'm not giving you my phone number!" Lulu was angry.  
  
"Don't get an attitude with me, little missy! Don't you know I have children to support? I have a little boy at home with no thyroid! Do you know how hard it is for him?"  
  
" . . . "  
  
"Now just tell me what you're hiding, I'll confiscate it, and you can go through!"  
  
Wakka walked from the elevator to Lulu.  
  
"You look flustered, girl." He said as she moved her hand away from his.  
  
"I am!"  
  
The guard laughed.  
  
"Your sweet ass should be! You've been Punk'd!"  
  
Cameramen step from nowhere, and Wakka starts laughing his head off.  
  
Lulu only growls, and she's surrounded by black energy . . .  
  
***  
  
Sora was watching a story on the news about how dozens of people were thrown out of the top of a building by a mysterious dark force.  
  
Riku walked in with a bowl full of popcorn, they were at his house.  
  
"Sora, everything's in place!" he said, sitting down.  
  
"Cool, then get-"  
  
Sephiroth launched out of the kitchen, sniffing around on the ground.  
  
"Where is it? Where is it!? Where is iiiiit?" He "sang" the last line.  
  
"What's wrong with your father?" Sora asked chuckling.  
  
". . . he's being possessed by Lance Bass"  
  
"No, the other thing."  
  
"Oh. He "lost" his Masamune" he said through laughs.  
  
"Where's my sword! Where?" Sephiroth started looking frantically around the living room, picked the couch clear off of the ground, and then started checking again.  
  
"Dad . . . " Riku began.  
  
"What!?"  
  
"I was showing my friends your sword . . . "  
  
"Yes . . . "  
  
"They didn't believe its power . . ."  
  
"Yes . . . "  
  
"So I showed it to them at a dock . . . "  
  
"Yes . . . "  
  
"And dropped it into the ocean by mistake!"  
  
Sephiroth's face fell and he slammed on the ground.  
  
"And dad?"  
  
"What!?" asked a muffled voice.  
  
"Are you sad?"  
  
"Horrified."  
  
"Are you mad?"  
  
"Furious!"  
  
"Well you should be!"  
  
"?"  
  
"You've been Punk'd!"  
  
***  
  
The next day Lisa was watching a story on the news about a crazy silver- headed guy running around with a sword and two boys that had mysteriously disappeared.  
  
She yawned and walked to the trash can in her kitchen to toss the rest of her macaroni soup, and a head came out.  
  
"Ahh!"  
  
"Lisa, its me."  
  
" . . . Riku? Why are you in my trash?"  
  
"I'm hiding from my father. He strapped me down and made me listen to five hours of polka, I couldn't stand it."  
  
Sora walked from the cabinets, crying.  
  
"What's wrong with you?"  
  
"H-he he made me get a-a . . . . "  
  
"What?" Lisa asked concerned.  
  
"An X-box! The horror! I was going to die!"  
  
Riku patted his back.  
  
"There there, the evil box can't get you now."  
  
Lisa rolled her eyes.  
  
"How about we just go to some Chinese Restaurant to make you two feel better?" she asked with a mischievous grin.  
  
***  
  
A man in a white shirt and funky hat walked up to Sora, Riku, and Lisa's table.  
  
"We have lots of food. What you want?" he asked.  
  
"I want the Kung Po Chicken." Lisa said, her face buried in the menu.  
  
"Give me thirty eggrolls." Sora answered.  
  
"I want the Pu pu platter." Riku said, laying back.  
  
"That all you want? I highly recommend more food, it all good!" The Chinese guy yelled.  
  
"That's okay . . . " Riku answered.  
  
"You say you want eight more pieces of chicken? That five hundred dollars."  
  
"No you fool! Just the stuff before!" Sora yelled.  
  
"Fine, you get thirty instead. That eight hundred dollars. You lucky."  
  
"Stupid Chinese guy! Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth!?" Riku yelled louder.  
  
"Don't nobody understand the words that are coming out of your mouth! Now sit your ass down or I kill you!"  
  
Riku found out he was broke as hell.  
  
A woman comes in with a platter and sets it down in front of Riku.  
  
*Riku lifts platter and eyes widen as he sees a pound of dog crap*  
  
"What the hell is this!?" he asked, clutching his nose.  
  
"It poo poo!" yelled the Chinese man.  
  
"I asked for the Pu Pu platter you fool! Give me my food or I'll ring you neck."  
  
"You ask for it, freakin' racist!"  
  
Chinese man takes a handful, and throws it at Riku. Riku dodges and pushes him away.  
  
"That it! I'm going Kung Po on your ass!" the Chinese man yelled, jumping up and down.  
  
"Bring it on pansy boy!"  
  
*Riku tosses a leg of chicken and the Chinese Guy kicks it onto Lisa's plate*  
  
"And there's your Kung Po Chicken!"  
  
"Shut your face!" Riku tossed a plate that was easily dodged.  
  
"Forget this!"  
  
The Chinese guy pulls out a gun and aims it.  
  
"Ahhh! Don't kill me! I-I'll wash you dishes for a week! I'll pay you fifty bucks!"  
  
"Really!?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Good!" Sora and Lisa yelled at the same time.  
  
"'Cause you've been punked!" The whole restaurant yelled.  
  
Everyone starts laughing and then the Chinese man says in a very American accent:  
  
"You owe me fifty bucks sucka."  
  
*Sephiroth comes in and starts swinging a sword around, in the process whacking the idiot Chinese guy as he screams like a girl on fire*  
  
"Oh Soooora" he cooed, taking out an X-Box.  
  
:"Oh God no! Heeeelp!"  
  
"Leave him alone . . . " Riku muttered as Lisa ran off.  
  
Sephiroth took out a radio.  
  
"So?"  
  
*Loud polka starts playing*  
  
"My ears! My ears are bleeding! How can you stand it!?"  
  
"What?" Sephiroth asked, pulling out earplugs, immediately falling over.  
  
"Screw the polka! Take the X-Box the hell away before Microsoft tries to pull Squaresoft over!"  
  
*Everyone crosses their chests*  
  
"God forbid."  
  
_______________________________________________________________________  
  
AN: Been a while, eh? Review and Ill keep on! 


	13. Irony and Asthma

The Adventures of Riku and Sora  
  
A Blue Dragon Fic  
XIII  
  
*Sephiroth is running around the house going crazy and switching in and out of Lance Bass mode while Sora and Riku sit on the couch trying to enjoy some television*  
  
"And in the latest news! A reservoir flooded, a freezer factory froze, and an explosives company . . . exploded. So far no survivors have been found . . . likely to be because there was no one in any of the facilities at the time."  
  
*Sephiroth snatches Riku's cheesy fries*  
  
"My cheesy fries! Give them back!"  
  
"Never! The cheesy goodness is mine! Get away from me!"  
  
He ran like a mother up the stairs, Riku hot on his trail, until he went to the hall and his room. By now, Sora had followed the two.  
  
"You'll never catch me!"  
  
Sephiroth climbed out of the window and shut it, running off.  
  
". . . now what?" Sora asked.  
  
"He'll get his punishment."  
  
"How?"  
  
". . . on account of the fact that my room is on the third floor."  
  
*A large crash is heard and groaning*  
  
"My trick knee!" Sephiroth yelled from below.  
  
*The doorbell is heard and Riku and Sora rush to the door to find Wakka an Tidus*  
  
"My coupon to Taco Shack is missing!" yelled Tidus.  
  
"Mine, too! And yesterday I had eaten so many I think I turned half Mexican overnight!"  
  
"You can't be half, Wakka" Sora explained.  
  
"Once Mexican blood is in you you're a total Chico."  
  
". . . oh. Well have you see 'em? They were in a huge box!"  
  
Tidus slammed the wall.  
  
"Somebody stole our stuff!"  
  
*DA DA DA DUMM!*  
  
"Will you turn that music off!?" Riku yelled at the lawn.  
  
"Sorry!" Sephiroth yelled back.  
  
"We have to get into the mind of a thief . . . "Riku muttered.  
  
"Hold on, I'll get my book on "Stealing for Dummies", its right next to "A Dummy's guide to Idiocy."  
  
*Sora goes into the kitchen and gasps*  
  
"My book on stealing has been . . . stolen!"  
  
"How ironic!" Sephiroth yelled from the lawn.  
  
*The newsman who had been leaning forward on television leans back and says:*  
  
"This just in! A book on stealing was . . . stolen. And the fire station is on fire!"  
  
"I'm calling the police!" Wakka yelled in a panic, running through the living room to the kitchen and pushing things that weren't in his way at all.  
  
". . . . "  
  
*The phone rings and Wakka picks it up*  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, this is Lisa."  
  
"Hey, wassap? Need to talk to Riku?"  
  
"No, I just called to get his number."  
  
". . . you called this house to get the number?"  
  
"What's wrong with . . . oh."  
  
Wakka rolled his eyes.  
  
"Blondes!"  
  
"Hey--!"  
  
*Wakka hangs up the phone.*  
  
"Hurry up!" yelled Tidus.  
  
"I need those coupons! I'm sweating like a ho in church!"  
  
Wakka calls 911.  
  
"What is your emergency and location?" a voice asked.  
  
"Stuff has been stolen! I'm at . . . "  
  
*Plane flies overhead drowning out all sound*  
  
A knock is heard on the door, and the police are there.  
  
". . . Damn." Says Wakka in amazement.  
  
"What?" Riku asked from the couch.  
  
"It took them too freakin' long!"  
  
"What's been stolen?" an officer asked.  
  
"Two coupons and a book on how to steal." Sora replied.  
  
"Here." The cop handed him a different book.  
  
". . . this isn't it." Sora told him.  
  
"Uh . . . "  
  
"This is a book on how to read."  
  
". . . oh. Well in that case, I'm on it like a hobo on a ham sandwich!"  
  
*The door closes*  
  
Riku and Sora sit next to each other.  
  
". . . Sora, in the meantime, let me borrow five bucks."  
  
"No."  
  
"Racist!"  
  
The newsman continued.  
  
"This just in! A police station was busted! A man had a complaint at the cinema so he went to the manager . . . who was watching a movie. Another man choked on a lifesaver, and a woman is hit by a parked car!"  
  
Sora tapped his foot.  
  
"Those guys had better get to it."  
  
"I'm aching for a chalupa!" Wakka yelled into the sky ripping at his hair.  
  
"I have an idea . . . "Tidus began.  
  
"What?" Everyone asked him.  
  
"We go to a place where no sane person would ever be on a Saturday."  
  
"Where?"  
  
***  
  
*The four are walking in front of the school campus, searching around for shady figures, and Sora starts humming the Mission Impossible theme loudly and off-key.*  
  
"Sora, put a lid on it before I tell everyone why your shoes are so big!" Riku yelled.  
  
". . . You swore you'd never tell! I . . . I'll never speak to you again!"  
  
"Hey, what's that!?" Wakka pointed to a shady figure who had a sack over his shoulder.  
  
"Kill it!" Tidus pulled out his auxiliary shotgun and started blasting away, however his aiming and hold was off so the recoil hit him in the eye.  
  
"Damn! Not again!"  
  
*He pulls out his cellular phone."  
  
"Police? Yeah, it was a gun this time."  
  
The other three had taken the liberty to chase down the crook.  
  
*Riku jumps on his back and tackles the shady figure*  
  
"Ahh!" It started screaming and breathing hard.  
  
"I got ya'!" Wakka came and started beating on the figure.  
  
"Dude! I got asthma!" it yelled out at him.  
  
"Oh . . . "  
  
The figure squirms out and runs behind a corner, and the three are on him.  
  
"For a guy with asthma he sure can run fast . . . "Sora noticed.  
  
The three zoomed around the corner and found him . . . cornered.  
  
"Gotcha . . . you!"  
  
He started breathing hard.  
  
"Wait, hold on! My asthma!"  
  
The three waited and the man took off again.  
  
"What the hell . . . ?" Riku asked.  
  
They went the other way, and started chasing him down until they had him cornered in the parking lot.  
  
"Gotcha!" Wakka pointed.  
  
"Stop! pant . . . pant my asthma!"  
  
The three stopped and he jumped into the car and started driving off. Sora took a rock and threw it at the tire, and the car flipped eighteen times, ran into a tree, dropped on its top, and then exploded.  
  
". . . Holy shit." Riku noticed as a hubcap rolled by. "Damn good aim."  
  
The shadowy figure started running and was then chased by the three again, until he was cornered at a tree.  
  
"Stop! I have asthm—" Wakka tackled him in the stomach and started beating the crap out of him, and then he noticed he wasn't breathing.  
  
***  
  
Wakka, Tidus, Sora, and Riku came into the man's hospital room, and the nurse began explaining.  
  
"What happened?" asked Sora.  
  
"It seems he had very bad asthma . . . "the nurse said.  
  
"Oh . . . did he have our stuff?" asked Riku.  
  
". . . NO. And you owe him 34,000 dollars for his car that you totaled."  
  
The nurse turned around only to notice that the door was open and the boys were gone.  
  
*** Sephiroth was checking out the Taco Shack coupons and book he had lifted, laughing as he did so, sipping champagne with his wife.  
  
"So, just how did you do it?" Rikku asked him.  
  
Sephiroth slapped her twice.  
  
"Get a hold of yourself, woman! You're losing your mind!"  
  
". . ."  
  
Riku, Tidus, Wakka and Sora walk in bruised and beaten, only to find Sephiroth with their stuff.  
  
"Dad!"  
  
"No!" Tidus pulls out his shotgun, misses wildly and this time hits himself in the nuts with it.  
  
"Ohhhh!" He tried to dial nine-one-one but fell on the ground instead, and then a shot accidentally goes off and shatters Sephiroth's Masamune. 


	14. Can You Smell What the Sephy's Cookin?

The Adventures of Riku and Sora

**A Blue Dragon Fic**

**XIV**

"Hey, what happens when we have to use the bathroom."

". . . "Riku responded.

"Or when we—"

"Shut up, Wakka! You'll give away our spot!"

Wakka, Tidus, Sora, and Riku were hiding under the seats of a locked car, hoping Sephiroth wouldn't find them.

"That's it!" Sora was moronic enough to stick his head out, just as Sephiroth clashed a dangerous glare in.

"Eep!" Sora quickly stuck it back under.

"How long are we hiding!?" Sora whispered.

"Until he leaves." Riku answered.

"I'm never leaving!" Sephiroth yelled out into the air.

"Damn . . . "Riku muttered.

"Guys, I gotta go bad."

"Number one or two?" Sora asked Wakka sarcastically.

"Number three."

"Double damn." Riku said, clutching his nose. "The kid has diarrhea"

"We need to figure something out . . . "Tidus began. "Wakka, can you hold it any longer?"

"I don't have to go no more."

"Eeew!" The three struggled, clutching their noses and tried to break out from under, jumping out of the car.

"Guys! I was just kidding . . . "

Sephiroth jumped from a tree. "AAAOOOOOGGAAAAA!"

"Triple damn! Cheese it!" Riku yelled. Sephiroth grabbed Tidus. "Gotcha, ya little sunuvabitch!"

"Tidus!" Sora yelled.

"Leave him!" Riku commanded, motoring around the corner.

"You'll make a great casserole!"

"Yo' mama!" Tidus countered back to Sephiroth, who started spanking him.

A bunch of farting and crapping noises were heard from the car.

"Who the hell just laid crap in my new hot rod!" Sephiroth yelled, peeking in to see Wakka, who was still relieving himself.

"You little sunuvabitch! I'm gonna eat you alive!" He grabbed Wakka from the car and started spanking him, after which he began reliving himself further.

"Oh Heavens!" Sephiroth dropped him and clutched his nose.

"I'll make you clean that car with your tongue, lil' mister!" Sephiroth warned as Wakka tried to run only to slip in his own stuff.

Sora dove into Kairi's house, after which Kairi tackled him and started punching him in the stomach.

"Ahh! Its me!"

"Oh! Sorry, I thought you were the tax collectors."

Riku dove in and was immediately covered with hillbillies.

"You ain't seizin' our house again you damn blaze!"

"Kairi, help!" The hillbillies began pounding the poor boy.

"Enos! Roootrick! Jethro! Ulysses! He's my friend!"

They got off of him.

"Sorry, we thought you was—"Jethro elbowed Enos. "Uh . . . we thought you was Satan."

Riku rubbed his head. "Sure. I'm going to talk to Kairi now."

"So, Riku, what brings you here?" Kairi asked.

"We were running from the executioner."

"Who?"

"Sephiroth"

"I see. So Riku, where's Tidus?"

"Fool got caught."

"How about Wakka?"

"Slipped in his own stuff."

"Eew! That's disgusting! He deserves to be caught."

"That's what he gets for stealing all of Tidus' food. We went to Taco Shack."

"Yeah?"

Sora continued. "Wakka and his goofy self ate thirty supreme burritos, knowing it gives him gas. The bathroom was filled with a bunch of hurtin' Mexicans so he had to hold it . . . and he let it go in my dad's new car. But I'll bet they're doing fine."

Sephiroth held the two boys upside down over a pot of boiling water as he read recipes for casseroles.

There was a knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Enos yelled.

He opened the door to see Justin Timberlake and about thirty of his groupies, falling over him.

"Who is you?"

"Why I'm Justin! You're sweet sister as won the sweepstakes!" He began prancing like a gaylord and pulling piggybanks out of his ridiculous hair, currently in an afro.

"I ain't never heard of you." He slammed the door.

"Hey!" He bust it back open and pranced in, after which the groupies started raiding the refrigerator, using the bathrooms, and watching the television.

"Hello Kairi!" He began prancing around again.

"Who the hell are you?" Riku asked.

"I'm Justin Timberlake!"

"I ain't never heard of you." He responded.

Sephiroth began reading extra quickly through the recipes of boy casserole.

"Let's see, douse the first boy in a good teriyaki sauce . . . "

Sephiroth doused Tidus in teriyaki.

"Damn you!" He started licking it up and spat on his face with it.

Sephiroth slapped him and held him closer to the boiling water.

"Now fatten the other one up . . . " Sephiroth handed a watermelon to Wakka, who gobbled it and started spitting the seeds everywhere.

"HEY! Watch it!" He doused Wakka's hair in the boiling water. "Now stand still . . . here, have some buritos."

"No Wakka!"

"Thanks!" Wakka ate them all, gobbling hungrily.

Sephiroth laughed, and then began to leave the room.

"I'll be back in a while to cook you! Be good!" The crazy silver-haired man pranced out of the room.

"You moron! Are you an idiot!?" Tidus shoved Wakka from his tied position.

"Not like Winnie the Crap."

". . . Wakka, what in the hell?"

"You know . . . . Winnie the Crap."

". . . . Whatever. Wakka, I have a plan . . . . "

"Ohh! These cakes are fruity and nutty!" Sephiroth yelled from another room.

"Kind of like him . . . . "Wakka muttered. The two struggled against their confines, after which Sephiroth began to run in again.

"Now just what are you boys doing!? You had better not struggle too much, now!" He wagged his finger.

"Sephy-sama, you don't want to eat me! I'm nasty and full of crap! Eat Tidus, he's plump and juicy!"

"Hey! You're the one bragging about your huge ass all the time!" Tidus shoved Wakka again. The two were still hogtied upside down, and now staring each other down.

"You'd better not push me again, pansy-boy."

"What're you going to do, you dirty Jamaican?"

"I'll bite your damn nose off."

"Cook Wakka Sephiroth! Cook him!"

"ENOUGH! One more word and I'll have both of your asses for lunch!"

Wakka farted.

"Okay, maybe one of your asses."

There was a knock at the door, and Sephiroth left again.

"Tidus . . . . I have a plan."

"What it is this time, rooty-poo?"

"If we scream real loud, Sephiroth will run in . . . . "Wakka motioned to the door with his head.

"Trip . . . "He motioned to the replica of the Masamune.

"Hit his head on the bowl . . . "He motioned to the huge boiling pot.

"Stumble back . . . " He motioned to the switch on the wall.

"And hit that switch that releases us."

". . . . Wakka, that is the possibly the biggest load of crapola I've ever heard."

"Are you with me?"

"I say you try by your _damn _self."

"I bet you thirty-seven munny."

". . . . Wakka, that's your bank account."

"Well!?"

"On the count of three, then."

"One . . . "

"Two . . . . "

The both sucked in.

"THREE!"

There were footsteps, and Sephiroth ran in.

"What the—"He tripped over the Masamune replica. "Ahhhh!" He hit his head on the pot. "Ugggh . . . . . "He began to stumble back, and hover near the switch.

"Come on . . . . " Wakka urged.

Sephiroth finally smashed into the switch, which released.

"It's letting us go!" Wakka yelled.

"One problem, Einstein. We're over a bowl of boiling water." The two looked at each other, and cried.

"Ahhhh!" They fell into the boiling water, and jumped out clutching their bodies.

"Damn! That was hotter than hell!" Tidus yelled.

"Pay up, Sonny Jim!"

"I don't have the cash."

"You . . . you bastard!"

Wakka tackled him, and they flew through the window.

"Where are my chickies!?" It was Sephiroth yelling for them from his house.

"Run like _hell_!" Wakka screamed.


	15. Escape from SephyBass

The Adventures of Riku and Sora

**A Blue Dragon Fic**

**XV**

Tidus clutched his heart as he leaned against the fence, and began breathing even harder.

"W-wakka? Why didn't you tell me you didn't have an escape plan!"

"Don't worry, man. We'll be very safe here."

Tidus looked up at the sign atop the building.

_Chum's Pimpage._

" . . . Wakka, where the hell is this?"

"Its okay, my dad works here, he knows da ropes."

"OOOOOH CHIIIICKIES . . . . !" The sound of a roaring engine could be heard in the distance, then the screeching of tires.

"Duck for cover!" Tidus yelled. A red hot rod smelling of poo crashed through the fence and flew over the heads of the unfortunate young men.

"Damn! Run!" Wakka yelled as he ran in the opposite direction of Tidus.

"You can run, but you can't hide! I'm hungry for casserole!"

Wakka started breathing hard as the car spun around and began chasing him down the lot.

"Wakka, noo!" Tidus grabbed a rock, hoping that it would work the same as Sora's amazing throw of the asthmatic thief.

The rock missed the car and hit a window instead.

"Bitch!" A voice yelled.

Wakka had almost made it to the exit, but was ran over promptly by Sephiroth.

"Ugggh . . . . " Wakka tried to stand up, but the car backed up over him, and then ran over him again.

"Hah! Take that, chickies!" Sephiroth yelled.

:The sound of police sirens in the distance could be heard:

"Hmm, crap-damn. I'll have to get out of here!" Sephiroth accelerated and crashed into a cop car.

" . . . " The cop got out and stood at the door of the man's car.

"Can I see your license?"

" . . . Uh, I think I left it in my—" Sephiroth busted open the door and started running as fast as he could.

"Hey! This guys car smells like poo!"

Wakka started whistling.

"That's against state regulations! Book his ass!"

Thirty cops dropped out of nowhere and surrounded Sephiroth with their nightsticks.

"Uhh . . . " He pointed to Wakka.

"Its his fault!"

"Oh yeah? Why!" A skeptical cop asked.

"He-h . . . he's Jamaican!"

The cops immediately bounded towards the half-dead Wakka, who was just recovering.

One cop slammed Wakka in the stomach, causing him to throw up a chalupa.

"He's Mexican! Kill him!"

The cops began relentlessly smacking the poor boy, as Tidus watched.

"Get off him!" Tidus bounded over the lot with a stick in his hands, and swung it under the nuts of a random cop.

"Aooooch! Dirty hippy!" The cop spun around and smacked Tidus in the pelvis, causing him to stagger.

"Take this, bitch!" Tidus was about to jump on the cops, but Wakka began crapping all over them.

"Ewww!"

"Typical Mexican!" A cop yelled as he retreated, holding his nose. The crowd of cops was making their way to the gates, but a red hot rod suddenly ran them all over.

"Bitches! That'll teach you to mess with me!" Sephiroth yelled.

"Yeah!" Wakka and Tidus slapped hands, just as the car ran them over as well.

* * *

Sora and Riku only stared in annoyance as Justin began pigging out on the ice cream.

"Now, for the syrup!" He yelled in his lisp.

" . . . you realize that's ass-cream, right?"

"SHUT UP! I'M ALWAYS RIGHT! SHUT UP!" He started chugging the cream, coughing up a hair.

" . . . Gross." Sora turned around and watched a groupie jump through the window.

"Hey Kairi, these nuts are seriously fudging up your house."

Suddenly, Enos, Jethro, Rootrick, and Ulysses burst through the doors with shotguns.

"Now that I've got my SHAWTGUN, I'm getting' you pansies outta my parlor!" He cocked the gun and shot a hole through Justin's afro.

" . . . . You PIG-BASTARD, I'll make you pay for that!"

He pulled a gun out of his afro.

"Take this!"

" . . . . You realize that's on safety, right?" Riku noticed the gun.

"SHUT UP YOU PIG-HO, I'M ALWAYS RIGHT!" He kicked Sora in the face for no reason, even though he had been quiet.

Riku finally got mad and was about to react, before a red hot rod fell through the ceiling. Wakka and Tidus were attached to the back, with apple's in their mouths.

"Dad! What are you doing?"

Sephiroth stepped out of the car and sat next to Justin.

"I came back to reunite with my comrade. And I'm not your dad!"

Riku sighed.

"Dad, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting so weird?"

Sephiroth stood up. "My name is Lance Bass. Now shut up or I'll eat your ass!"

Riku blinked and began backing away slowly. "Hey Enos, let me borrow your shotgun."

"SHUT UP Sora!" Justin kicked the boy in the stomach.

"I didn't say anything! Screw you!" The boy punched Justin in the nuts, and recoiled as Justin began barfing ass cream all over him.

"Oh God!" Sora ran away in fear.

Justin turned to Sephiroth.

"Lance, my love. Now we can conquer the world . . . together."

Sephiroth broke into himself.

"Son! Help me! If Lance takes over, I . . . I can never return!"

He reverted to Lance Bass Mode.

"However, before we begin, I need . . . . "

Everyone gradually stepped back, including Kairi who had just walked in.

"Husky-pork."

Sora's eyes widened. "Ulysses, give me your shotgun!"


	16. An Unlikely Foe

The Adventures of Riku and Sora

A Blue Dragon Fic

XVI

The others immediately cleared the room, rushing out as Sora and Riku spun shotguns into place. Sephiroth and Justin flew backwards into the wall and prepared a fighting stance.

"Now I'll show you bitches who's boss!" Justin yelled, as a stack of gay porn fell out of his afro.

Riku stared at the stack and started chuckling.

"As well as who's homosexual?"

"SHUT UP YOU UGLY NUT-WART!" He grabbed a vase and threw it as hard as he could, and laughed as it smashed Sora over the head, drawing a bloody gash.

"Riku! Don't provoke him!"

"That idiot bitch?"

"AGGH! I SAID SHUT UP!" Justin grabbed another vase and threw it again, this one hitting Sora square in the eyes.

"Oooh! Why am I taking this!" Sora blew another hole in Justin's halfro.

Justin felt his hair, his eyes wide in horror.

"You'll pay for that!" He fiddled with his gun, not realizing it was on safety.

Sephiroth Bass stepped forward sweeping the debris away.

"I can take something dear away from you Sora . . . I hold the key to . . . "

He began laughing as he held up something in his hand.

"HUSKY-PORK!"

Sora rolled his eyes.

"Not that pork-shit again." He cocked the shotgun and tried to shoot a hole through the husky-pork, watching in horror as the bullet deflected and hit Justin's afro again.

" . . . MY FRO!"

Riku laughed.

"Dude, you have four huge holes in your fro!" Sephiroth Bass shook his head.

"BE QUIET YOU NUTSACK-DOUCHETARD!" He grabbed a table and flung it at Sora, grinning as the poor boy moaned.

Sora gripped the gun, and aimed.

"Sora, don't shoot his fro aga—"

A gunshot silenced the room as Sora shot Justin square in the face.

Sephiroth's eyes were wide as he stared at the gaping hole that had once housed the abused halfro. Justin began bleeding hair gel and chicken grease, and Sephiroth stepped back in disgust.

"Nasty!" He threw the body at Sora, who slipped in the grease.

"Oh my God! What does this guy eat!"

The hand of the supposedly dead man grabbed Sora's nuts.

"Ahhh!" He screamed in agony, as Justin's face began to regenerate.

"You can't get rid of me that easy, you fascist monkey!"

He leapt back up.

Riku stepped back into the debris and plopped on the couch.

"It's funny that you can grow your face back, but you can't regenerate your hair."

"THAT'S THE LAST STRAW YOU INSOLENT GULAG! I'LL SILENCE YOU FOR THE LAST TIME!"

He grabbed Sora by the neck and body slammed him into the nearest toilet.

Wakka suddenly came into the room, clutching his stomach.

"Nooooo!" Sora screamed as Wakka began pulling his pants down.

Justin dusted off his hands as he came out of the bathroom, laughing as the sounds of watery diarrhea and gargled screams echoed out.

Riku cocked the shotgun.

"Well . . . I didn't want to have to do this . . . " Lisa walked in from the kitchen.

"Woman! Get back to the kitchen where you belong!" Enos yelled from the table.

"Go marry your cousin!" Lisa yelled back. She rubbed her hands.

"Justin, Lance, I didn't want to do this . . . . " She whistled, and two Backstreet Boys dropped out of nowhere.

Justin raised an eyebrow.

"What the hell? I thought I killed you!" He pointed a smoking finger at A.J.

The former superstar merely shook his head and adjusted his sunglasses as he stepped back in the debris.

"And I thought you grew some hair, oh 'holy' one." Kevin laughed at his rival.

A.J. flipped through some of the gay porn that had fallen out of Justin's ridiculous haircut.

" . . . How pathetic. One of your books actually has a woman in them!" Kevin and A.J. burst out laughing.

"Ahh!" Justin burned the magazine immediately, and ran into the bathroom to whack Sora.

Lisa laughed as she sat back.

"This outta be good!"

Riku stared skeptically as he kept his gun steady.

" . . . I don't know. Once the take care of those fools, how will we get rid of the other pretty boys?"

"Hmm . . . Lisa thought to herself as she eyed another one of the random guns Kairi's brothers kept everywhere.

"I'm not su—" Sora burst out of the bathroom, a slimy green substance covering him.

" . . . ." Riku looked him up and down.

"Sora, you are one NASTY mo-fo."

Sora growled. "It's not MY fault! Thanks to your stupidity, I've been constantly pummeled by the wrath of pretty-boy Magee!" Sora screamed, coughing up slop.

Wakka walked out, groaning.

"Oh man . . . something happened to my, to my . . . "

Lisa snapped her fingers as the pretty boys began bitch-slapping each other.

"That's it! Wakka's radioactive chalupa slop!" She grabbed a bottle of lotion, clearly meant for women, and threw it into the toilet. All of the pretty boys gasped.

"Nooo!" They ran towards the bathroom, tripping over debris and jumping over the hot rod, almost breaking the doorframe as they leapt into the green slop.

For a split second, everything was quiet before the toilet started shaking. Riku, Sora, and Lisa backed away from the bathroom as the walls of it began to collapse, and a voice spoke.

"Finally, after all these years . . . " A voice spoke.

Sora groaned.

"Not again!"

"With the crap-slop of some Mexican . . . the idiocy of Sephy-Bass, the gayness of Justin Timberlake, and the sheer adult-arrogance and evilness of the Backstreet Boys . . . . "

A clawed hand came out of the bathroom, and the three of them yelped, as Wakka ran away crying.

"What have I created?" He screamed to the sky as tears streamed down his face.

Riku could only stare in awe at the being before him, something he'd only read about.

"I am Satan!" The huge red demon stepped out, causing the earth to shake, and slammed his pitchfork into Sora.

"And now, I can begin my rein of terror! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He flew off into the sky, laughing like a maniac, and swinging his pitchfork around.

Sora could only stare.

" . . . . Oh my God. We've just beat up a boy, shot holes through all of this house, seen a car fall through the ceiling, nearly destroyed this block, and now we've unleashed Satan upon Destiny Islands. Now what?"

Lisa started scrambling around for a Bible.

"We've got to do something about this!"

* * *

A small family of four sat around a table, in front of their bountiful meal. 

"Now Sharon, pray for this household" The mother said, smiling towards her daughter.

The young blue-eyed girl smiled.

"Jesus loves us, mommy!"

"I know dear, now pray for our family."

She began to pray.

"Dear God, I pray that you protect this household, secure our family, bless our neighbors, and protect this house from—"

"I AM SATAN!" The demon burst through the house in a fiery ball, screaming and slashing the food off the table with the pitchfork.

"Ahh! We're going to die! I knew I shouldn't have cheated on you!" The man ran away screaming, grabbing his coat and running into his car, driving away as fast as he could.

At the house next door, a young black family stared across the street.

"I knew they needed Jesus." The woman shook her head as Satan began tearing the place apart.

The man of the house quickly dialed up a speed dial number.

"Hello? Blessed Redeemers? Get Pastor Jamison here, now. The day came, just as he predicted!"

Sora was on his knees, praying to the heavens.

" . . . I know I don't talk to you often, but right now, I think its serious. We pray that you will deliver us from evil—" A fireball flew through the wall. " . . . as soon as possible."

The adulterous man drove up to Satan in his car, and shakily held a bible.

"I-I pray that you—"

"BE GONE!" Satan slammed on the car's hood and it flipped thirty times.

"Aaah!" The sinful father ran away.

Tidus stirred on the hood of the hot rod, and woke up.

"Aah! I'm free! And awake again in the beautiful city! I love Destiny Islands!"

Satan flew by.

" . . . . What the he—" Wakka slammed his hand over his mouth.

"Shh! You'll encourage him!"

Riku had a present wrapped up as Satan descended upon him, and he threw his keyblade aside.

"Uh, uh . . . . your . . . uh, devilness? I've got a present."

The beast suspiciously descended down.

"What!"

"Here . . . " Riku held it up nobly.

" . . . That's a bible, isn't it?" The king of demons asked.

" . . . Uh, no its not?"

Satan grew bigger.

"You're lying."

"Uh . . . no I'm not?"

He grew even bigger, and touched a finger nail to the present, wincing as it burned off.

"That is a bible! Take this!" He broke the pitchfork over Riku's skull.

"Ahh! Go to hell!"

"Oh yeah, I left my keys."

A hole was torn in the street outside of the house, and the devil dove down into the pit to eternal hellfire.

Sora stepped up to the pit and sniffed. It smelled like husky-pork.

Walt Husky's voice could be heard from the pit, screaming.

Riku stopped at the pit. "Well, now we just have to wait for the church to arrive, and we'll be safe! The trip to hell is a good three hours!"

Lisa narrowed her eyes.

"And you know that how?"

"Uh . . . I read my bible."

A demon jumped out of the pit and landed on Riku.

"Ahh! Mother!"

Three more imps leapt out and started running around.

Enos walked out of the house, and stared as Satan climbed back out of the hole.

"You WAS Satan!" He took out his shotgun. "My mama told me this day would come!"

He began shooting crazily, missing and almost hitting Riku each time.

* * *

A cashier slowly took money from the cash register of the store he worked at. 

" . . . I need to feed my kids."

Satan walked in, and the man quickly put the money back.

"I need to buy a shotgun."

"You NEED to buy a bible!"

The sound of megaphones could be heard in the distance. Sora's church had arrived.

In the **Authors Note**, I think the pure satire of this piece of fanfiction is obvious. I plan to finish this soon, as my only and complete fic of this type.


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